I love Pitzer. McConnell’s mac n’ cheese speaks to my soul in moments of intense despair. The desolate landscaping allows me to astral project my mind elsewhere in the vast universe. I feel blessed to frolic in the gravel, sand, and barrel cacti of Pitzer College. I commune with the murals, eye-to-eye with the painted brick, and exchange secrets of the universe. Pitzer students understand this and are called to share the blessings of Pitzer with the rest of the 5Cs, starting with DNS.
DNS stands for Doom, Ngloom, and Sdespair. I spent at least five days a week, seven hours total, in its torturous embrace. Its beige blandness quiets my mind before beating me into paste, dissociating me into my composite ions, and titrating me into oblivion. Nucleus West has my right eyeball, my left ball, and the diagonally lower half of my stomach.
I don’t know where my right ball is.
But I know it’s somewhere…somewhere in the cold, breezy hell of Nucleus East. Maybe on the third floor, dangling off the railing or that weird tower. Perhaps buried underneath the first floor fish tank. Somewhere…
Pitzer knows this and loves me for it. The natural state of Pitzer is half-emasculated and its soulless, ball(l(?))ess reality necessarily draws in those with something to prove. (Or rather, something to give.) All Pitzer students are achievers. They know what they want and they’ll do what it takes to get it. Maybe not, like, whatever it takes, but they will do something. Like splashing around barefoot in the serene and gem-like waters surrounding CMC’s Cube of Exhibitionism. Or blowing up DNS. Don’t ask me why. Personally, I think that they’re testing out ways to disintegrate CMC’s ugly new science center (not my words, actually) on DNS to avoid angry CMC students pissing on their cacti.
Here are the top five ways (unranked) that Pitzer students have done Great Things in the name of Supreme Leader Starr (Greatest General of the Pomoaning-Pitzer Alliance) to destroy the Dheadquarters of Nindescribable Sevil!
- Set off fire alarm first week of classes
- Didn’t work, gosh darn it! Great start for freshmen, though! Time to think larger, methinks.
- Flood.
- Inspired! While this didn’t work, I think maybe adding some aquatic creatures (shark. shark. evil dolphin. shark.) might be an amazing next step!
- Set organic chemistry laboratory on fire
- Hm. This is a pretty safe method. I don’t really have much to say about it, other than it might work. Someday.
- Blow up microwave
- A thrilling new approach! I’m excited to see what this motivated student does next! Just, maybe don’t microwave those chemicals together outside of the hood…
- ???
- Every time I try to remember what happened, I start crying. Thus, because I care for my readers even more than Pitzer cares for me and my sad, sad, ball(l(?))ess state, I’ve helpfully censored what happened for you! I can sense a long and fulfilling career in the FBI or CIA incoming for the silly perpetrator of this traumatic experience!
Anyways, if any enterprising Pitzer student wants to try their hand at this cool and formative experience, please aim for DNS on Tuesdays at 6PM or Fridays at 1PM Pacific Time.