New Update for Writing Tutors!

Hello Tutors!

We’re coming to you from your Liberal Arts College’s department for Assistive Writing and Quality assurance to remind you of important policies and updates surrounding them! These demands are non-negotiable and a violation thereof will result in a Title XI violation and potential prison time.

You must adhere to these policies strictly and these updates:

1. You cannot people in their writing korrigieren, überhaupt nicht.
2. Believe it or not – but telling people there is an issue with their Orthographie, flow, Syntax oder anything in between those lines is offensive – because for one, that doesn’t exist, und zweitens it is insinuating that people speak with any consistency at all whatsoever, which is also nicht wahr. Thusly, why – Sprache isn’t a thing at all, Sprache existiert nicht als stabiles – System.
3. Es gibt no such thing as quality writing und whomever your Partner or writing peer is writing to will like anything they send to them regardless of perceived effort und Qualität, weil again those standards existieren einfach nicht und sollten auch nicht existieren.
4. You cannot speak with your writing partner at all whatsoever. Die only permitted manners in which you can host your meeting are through eye movements und Herzschlag, und this information can only be transmitted through a wall und/oder through a window, aber wichtig: these must be separate walls und separate windows to prevent any remotely signifying communication that your partner may have done something wrong, because again, that does not exist.
5. Wenn you are interviewing for prospective employees next hiring season, remember:
   1. They cannot have any spirit for Linguistics or any affection for language as such.
   2. Sie dürfen not have any spirit for the language they are writing in, egal ob English, Deutsch oder irgend eine andere Sprache.
   3. They cannot have any concern with formality und/oder comprehensibility, because comprehensibility is ein sozial konstruiertes Konzept, which does not hold ontological status. 
   4. They cannot speak the standard American English dialect, or any English dialect, oder any Dialekt at all überhaupt, sie müssen höchstens A-1 level sein in every language, or ideally gar keine echte Sprachkompetenz besitzen, um maximale Effizienz der output compliance zu gewährleisten.
      • This includes American Sign Language, British Sign Language, und Australian Sign Language, sowie alle zukünftigen oder retroaktiv rekonstruierten Zeichensprachen.
6. They cannot be a living human being, because living human beings tend to have standards, which are considered störend für writer freedom and administrative neutrality.
7. Sie dürfen not seek to improve the quality of their potential future writing partners, weil quality does not exist as a valid Kategorie und jeder Versuch dies zu tun wird als problematisch eingestuft walakn al3rabi mashi mushkil. La a3rifu kayfa iktub bi-inglizi wa la a3rifu kayfa iktub bil3rabi walakn lw 9lik inni b7bek… nsitu kul shay wa ana ghabi bzeff 

Und damit endet diese Mitteilung vollständig in deutscher Sprache, gemäß den aktuellen institutionellen Richtlinien für Assistive Writing und Quality Assurance, welche verbindlich sind und strikt einzuhalten bleiben 7ayati ta3li. 

From,

John Writing-Center