Student Health Services has reported an influx of people with large bumps on their forehead and birds flying around their heads. This could be related to several on campus incidents this fall, such as Walker Wall being painted to look like a tunnel, which prompted several students to crash their e-scooters into it.
Meanwhile: there’s boba on the quad! The catch? This boba is sitting on a big red X. “I mean, I like boba as much as the next person,” the anonymous student said to the GA, “but something just doesn’t sit right with me about a big red X. I’m not paranoid, I just think standing on big red Xs usually doesn’t lead to something good.”
The student said their suspicions were further confirmed when they looked up and saw a grand piano hanging from a rope directly above the X. “Maybe someone wants to hang a piano, you never know with all these campus events, but I’m not risking it—even for Thai tea.” The GA would like to note that upon weighing the morality of the decision, a little angel and little devil appeared on the anonymous student’s shoulders.
Other strange incidents include students finding their drunk cigs replaced with lit sticks of dynamite, personal disputes being resolved by entering into a big cloud of fists and stars, and on a more positive note, students floating through the air by their nose upon smelling anything free.
All in all, conventional laws of physics have taken a hit this semester; the hit allegedly was from a big fuckin’ mallet.