This morning my Dad said he was taking me on a hiking trip which is super cool because I love mountains and being alive! We usually go up here to sacrifice animals and shit but I think he forgot the lamb this time. I dunno, I’m just a kid! Or a young man depending on your reading of the text!
Dad has been kinda weird like muttering to himself, looking at me, then looking at his knife. Maybe he just thinks I’m a really sharp fellow! Haha! I’m the funniest person alive because it’s fucking 1951 BC and The Comedy Store won’t open for another three-thousand, nine-hundred, and twenty-two years! Why do we call it BC, what’s up with that? I’ve got so many observations! That’s because I am alive, full of whimsy, and not traumatized!
Okay so we’re at the altar now, still no lamb. Also Dad has tied me to the altar which is a neat development. There’s that knife again—boy o’ boy does he love holding that up above his head dramatically! It almost looks like he’s doing it in a sort of “preparing to stab” type of pose. He’s looking at me like he’s about to tell me he ate my halloween candy and send the video to Jimmy Kimmel Live.
Wait a second…altar? Knife? Sacrifice? Mmmm dinner sure smells good—wait, why does it smell like me?!?!! Then who’s flying the plane?! G-g-g-g-GULP! Eeegads! Oooohhhhh it was just one of those God tests, okay, it’s totally cool. They haven’t invented therapists yet so I’ll just take this to my grave, I guess! It was bound to happen. Haha!