I am so smart for figuring this out. Also, you dumb dumb dipshits should have gotten it sooner.
Every week, (some of you) put Claremont Cash in and get clean things out. That is criminal! I think because it sounds like textbook money laundry-ing. What goes in as $1.75 comes out as spotless jorts clean enough to eat off. (Which I’ve been doing). And you and the Claremont Colleges are profiting from it!
You may be scratching your heads right now. It’s not the lice—it’s your guilty conscience. Don’t pretend you don’t know what you’re doing. It’s morally bankrupt. You heavy spenders, flush with cash, are washing bloody hands somewhere in the bowels of administration. That money is going to evil deans like Avis Hinkson at Pomona College.
But who is accountable for this disturbing financial system? Where is the money going? You’re probably directly funding child predators somewhere in the world, like my cousin Owen. He is 11 and very mean to me. Also, you are enabling fast fashion. Please just stop washing your clothes. Please please please. Save your money!
Just last week, I paid for laundry and then found $5 in my pocket afterward. How do you explain that? Or last month when I had $2 in my Claremont Cash account. How did that get there?? Even a Pitzer student could connect these dots, and they haven’t finished a puzzle since 2008. Yes, it’s an insidious financial network. Put money, get clean things. Even clean money!
Imagine two octupus having sex. Now imagine three. Yeah. You’re an octupus and also the Claremont Colleges are an octupus. That’s how connected it all is. And every time you do laundry, they just go at it even worse. Suckers and tentacles. Claremont Cash isn’t “fake money.” It’s a real living thing, and we need to kill it.