In the wake of the untimely demise of former Golden Antlers Editor-in-Chief Clancy Tripp, one brave soul has stepped forward to restore the doomed publication to its former glory. Pete Hatcher CMC ’97, CEO of an unnamed private equity firm, purchased The Golden Antlers for its net worth of approximately $18. He has since made the executive decision to award bonuses to the remaining staff members and install Sam Pitcavage CMC ’15 and Ben Turner CMC ’16 as interim Editors-in-Chief.
“Honestly, it was very fortuitous, seeing as women can’t separate work from emotions” comments new Editor-in-Chief Ben Turner, “the only downside is that we’ll be losing the money we were saving from paying Clancy less than we’d be paying a man, but I suppose it’s a Catch-22 we’ll just have to live with.”
What with Pitcavage’s B+ in Intermediate Microeconomics and Turner’s likeness to a Men’s Warehouse model, the two are clearly uniquely qualified to manage both a humorous publication and the hedge fund that Hatcher awarded them control of for “just generally being two cool dudes.”
Pitcavage spoke for both men as he announced that he was “eager to take on this leadership role” and added that he was also hoping this would score him some major points with the Kravis Leadership Institute where has been trying to secure a job since, like, ever.
As of Thursday night at 10:40 PM, Turner and Pitcavage have officially taken the reins of the newsiest news source around, The Golden Antlers. In their capacity as Editors-in-Chief they have abolished the staff’s Casual Friday and fully committed themselves to getting down to the bottom of “whoever this Ender Wiggin character is”
– Clancy Tripp CMC ’15, Sam Pitcavage CMC ’15, Ari Saperstein PZ ’15, Lucas Van Houten CMC ‘14
** Are you interested in getting involved in The Golden Antlers? email Ben & Sam at email@example.com OR check out our Join The Staff page!