The 5Cs are reorganizing their administrative teams, leading to some prominent shifts in vibe that you might be picking up. And this time, it’s not just the Santa Ana Winds or Mercury Retrograde.
Horrible Looming Shadow now your academic advisor:
Its office is in the Mead Tunnels. It’s dark in there. Too dark. But you can’t register without its approval. Look at it. Look. You open your eyes. You stare into the void, finding darkness, only darkness. Then, the void stares back. And it says you should get your Praxis requirement out of the way before senior year.
Writing Center staff replaced by many thousand severed hands:
They’re just severed hands, and boy do they stink! My mother taught me the value of a firm handshake for a good first impression, and networking is my hobby, so I’ve been stuck giving slimy handshakes to these hands for the past 16 hours. There is no end in sight. Life is networking and networking is hell.
Haunting Revelations of Hell have overtaken career services:
If you have resume or cover letter questions, they will answer by showing you what happens when your soul is torn apart by ravenous hellhounds with grafted faces of your loved ones. Or worse, you’ll see yourself in 20 years, stuck doing PR for Spotify, living in an LA studio apartment with four other people. Oh, and rent is $3500 a month. You can’t pay it, so you sell your kidney. Now you only have one kidney like a loser idiot loser. This is the 21st century job market.
All-seeing Eye of Flame now your RA:
Oh, did you want to smoke in your room tonight? WRONG. The Eye knows. Consider yourself BUSTED, twerp! Everyone is watching you and they all know. NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE!
Lurking Fear of the Future to speak at graduation:
After college, its just … the rest of my life. Will I ever see my friends from the 5Cs ever again? How do people even make friends in the real world? I should get a tattoo. I should get a tattoo on my back of all my friends in order of how much I like them, so that everyone knows I have a ton of friends that I’ll always remember.