“Environmental Sustainability. Social Responsibility. Cecil. The pillars that our school has been built on still remain the foundation of the decisions for the future of our college. This is why I, Strom Thacker, am proud to announce that we, Pitzer College, have elected to be the leaders in a new change: to eliminate our use of single-use pronouns. We are establishing a new system to bring in ethically sourced, free-range, and reusable pronouns – but until then, we are no longer providing single-use pronouns” – Strom Thacker
This message, which was sent to the student population of Pitzer yesterday, has caused chaos within the community. While it is true that Pitzer produces an unusually high amount of pronoun waste, many still rely on these single-use pronouns to engage in their daily lives. But with the sudden elimination of these pronouns and the current lack of any new pronouns entering Pitzer, many students have turned to Pitzer’s once-underground pronoun economy to keep up their habits.
While most students were shocked by the decision, some students have been well-prepared for the change. A number of pronoun exchange programs have been on the rise for the past few years, including the Pronoun Reroom and Pronoun Green Bike Lottery. But some are skeptical of the group’s involvement in the change – one student, publicly known as “Poker Hand Randy” (pronouns: he/him) (weak ass pronouns) anonymously shared some insider information with the Antlers:
“I saw a few members of the Green Bike Pronoun Program prowling around with what looked like briefcases full of pronouns. I decided to follow them, and I heard them selling some they/thems to a freshman for $200. This is insane – I can’t even get anything other than the he/him I have and they must be hoarding what, thousands of pronouns? This can’t keep happening.” Though Poker Rand Handy should be publicly denounced and stoned for his embarrassing pronouns, the events he witnessed bring the ethics of the pronoun economy into question.
This controversy has only been amplified after the ‘Cecil Event’ where the school’s Cecil mascot was found to be hiding hundreds, if not thousands of pronouns inside of the blue sagehen suit. Cecil was tackled to the ground and burned at the stake within minutes, which created rapid inflation in the pronoun economy. Cecil will not be missed.
So what’s next? Many have been holding on to their pronouns, waiting for the right moment to get a high payout. But with the horrifying pronoun inflation (I hate you Cecil. You ruined my life) and the mass hoarding occurring, the pronoun economy has been completely unpredictable. A single she pronoun now costs 6 meal swipes. An it pronoun costs a singular Adidas Samba shoe. If you want a coveted set of xe/xir? Last time I checked that costs, like, 16 vapes and a fake ID.
While it is unknown what the future of Pitzer’s pronoun economy will be, the promise of sustainably sourced reusable LEED-Certified ethical green carbon-reducing dolphin safe pronouns has been an exciting prospect for many to get back to their normal habits. And to quote what Poker Hand Randy said, “I hate you all. Stop fucking making fun of me. He/him isn’t that weird, and I’m really trying guys. I promise. I said stop making fun of me.” What a loser.