Haha, that thumbnail is definitely not of the 29 people working for Pomona College with “Dean” in their job title! But if it was, maybe we need one full-time dean for every 62 students. And think about it this way: there are other colleges, besides Pomona, in the Claremont Colleges Consortium. Those deans work hard! We should be supporting them, and this is how:
Keep Deans Healthy.
A dean should have fun at their job. Bureaucracy isn’t meant to be boring! Give your favorite dean some chew toys, or pencils to push. They need 20 minutes of exercise a day—try 5 reps of emails, or 10 reps of typing “Israel” before “Palestine.” But don’t let them go overboard! A 10 minute break from the computer every hour is perfect.
Turn Dean Daydreams Into Dean Realities.
Deans are the single most creative workers on any college campus. Their hyperactive imaginations are their biggest asset, but also can be a weak spot. Let their brain get a rest. Sleeping on the job is great. Drooling everywhere is even better. Nap time is an investment in the future, when these adorable deans can grow big and strong.
Recognize Their Working Struggle
Everybody thinks being a dean is easy. It can seem like everyone is a dean these days. The truth is that focusing on their important tasks—putting students in jail, denying them due process, denying academic petitions—takes a lot of effort. Next time you see a dean, give praise. Also salute. And get on your knees…
Stop Workplace Injuries.
Deans work in some of the most dangerous professions. Many are victims of white collar crimes. They aren’t criminals, it’s just how they were raised. And beyond the mental hazards, there’s the physical. Every dean needs a huge corner office without sharp corners. There should be so many corner offices that together they form a polygon with n+1 sides and approximate a circle. That’s how naturally collaborative they can be in round-table discussion! They also need elbow grease out the wazoo; they aren’t natural producers. There also needs to be a Dean of Safety! And a Dean of that Dean of Safety, just to be even more safe.
Shut Up Unless Your Saying Something Nice.
“Oh, I love the way you sent that email yesterday!”
“Thank you for denying my petition”
“I love your sense of humor! Can you put it back in your pants?”