Loud. American lean. Occasional tank top lover. Flip flop wearer. I have been described in many ways but very rarely as an animal lover. This is not to say that I hate animals. I have a brother. Please contact me if you are in need of a brother, I am willing to rent him out (don’t tell mom). Please brush his teeth before bringing him back.
On a cold and sunny Tuesday morning at 5AM KST, I sat on the airplane subway from South Korea’s Incheon International Airport. There was no dog. For a glorious 15 minutes, my life was peace, quiet, and vaguely uncomfortable butt warmers in the worn seats.
BARK ABRAKRK BARKA BARK GROWOWWW WOOF LWLAAUGHHHHHH GRRRWWABARKBARK AUUBOW BWOW AWOOOOO
Dog.
It was small and white and fluffy and crusty. Evil. Evil dog. The kind of dog that would gleefully take a shit in your neighbor’s backyard and track feces into your bedroom. Its malevolent aura smothered the subway car, dripping evil like Sukuna Lobotomy Kaisen in Shibuya spotting Mr. Potential Man. Domain Expansion: Malevolent Shrine. Nah, I’d swim.
Its beady, crusty eyes followed me as its owner carried it away. That’s when I felt it. Although I Am Pure Of Heart And Soul, the dog’s hatred overcame me and invaded my mind.
Like RFK Jr’s brainworm, I got that dog in me. Grrrrr I Am Woman. I Am Fearless. I Was Almost Hit By A Car In Myeongdong.
I would like to say that I love all canines but it is simply not true. I have been informed that it’s “bad optics” and “not good for my reputation” but who gives a shit about that. Here’s my top 10 canine list, ranked:
- Andrea Kimi Antonelli, #12 (Mercedes)
- My cousin’s dog Oliver who almost bit me when I was 12
- Pomona coyote
- Coyote I almost petted at Yosemite when I was 8
- My aunt’s 2 huskies that swam in the pool with me once like 15 years ago I think
6-10 who cares honestly
There’s only one canine that I hate.