Is there a whole apple in your mouth?
If yes, you might be a little hog. Alternatively, you might just be having a snack.
Are you on a stick? Are you enclosed in bread?
Are you enclosed in bread? If yes, you are a corndog, not a sweaty little hog. That’s not the same thing. Stop trying to be something you’re not, for the love of God and our Lord and Savior, Jesus “God” Christ
(speaking of, if you are on a stick that is actually two sticks in a t-shape, you aren’t a hog, you’re the lamb of God. Those are two very different farm animals, keep up).
Are you frozen mid-leap?
Being literally frozen doesn’t count; if I thawed you with a flame thrower, would you still be mid-leap? Yes? I’m not sorry about the char. It’s character-building (just in case being a sweaty little hog on a spit, which you certainly are, didn’t do enough of that).
Are you being rotated near a flame?
Don’t try to be cute with that whole “we are all being rotated around a flame: the sun” shtick. If you could pass a lie-detector test doing a slam-poetry-style recitation of Mr. Worldwide’s “Fireball,” you have your answer.
Are your hooves glistening from a thick coat of oil?
Yes? Come on, the hooves should’ve been an immediate tip-off. You are absolutely a sweaty little hog on a spit. Don’t waste my fucking time. I have better things to do, like basting your wee hooves!
Can you read?
If yes, you are not a little hog. I’ll believe that hogs can read when pigs (or sweaty little hogs) fly.