Is your friend an alcoholic? Yes. They’d order jungle juice at the water store. They get chuffed about an open bar (chuffed is a British word for horny) that’s run by people three degrees of separation away. The first time they smiled this semester was during Oktoberfest. Alcohol is ruining their frankly OK brain and their above average body. It’s your job to intervene.
You need to intervene. Interventions are very important. They let you communicate hard truths to your friend, that normally might be too mean. Think of all the serious problems you’d like your friend to fix. Focus on how they can be a better person. Remember when your friend was hungover and missed brunch? Or when they puked all over your beanbag chair two years ago during orientation week? When they were late to your pregame, because they were pregaming your pregame? Get unreasonably mad.
Okay, time to intervene—do it in the WhatsApp group. Your message should be heartfelt, and passive-aggressive because what if you get scared? It is important to be direct. For example: “drinks tn??? Philip ik ur def interested so don’t feel pressured to respond.” Alcohol hurts everyone. Let them know. If this loving-kindness doesn’t immediately work, soft-launch all your criticisms with individual friends over a few months.
If your friend is still an alcoholic after all this hard work, gather all your mutual loved ones. It’s time for group therapy. Nothing can go wrong: alcoholics crave community almost as much as vodka red bulls. Tips for success:
- Blindside your target with an impromptu intervention.
- Rely on your chronically late friends to be there on time.
- Set up no accountability; encourage platitudes.
- Congratulate yourself, no matter what.
Nothing Matters!