Have you considered changing roommates recently? Have you pondered a way to convince them that you are a crazed lunatic in order to make them move out? Have you taken hard classes that will keep you in the Honnold-Mudd Library till the cows come home?
Then ask your doctor if The Official Golden Antlers Roommate Hotline is right for you! We know damn well Res Life ain’t getting SHIT done.
Call 1-800-ICANTFUCKINGTAKETHISANYMORE and we will promptly respond!
Our hotline doesn’t start with that “facilitated discussion” bullshit. Instead, we start with U.S. military grade PSYOP tactics to make your annoying roomie think they are going crazy.
- Replacing their shoes and clothes with ½ size bigger or smaller.
- Changing their phone to British English.
- Changing their HBO Max to only have one episode of Young Sheldon.
- Leaving six empty MiraLAX bottles around the room.
- Place 5 positive and 1 negative COVID-19 tests around the room. (Is the negative one from before or after? They’ll never know!)
If none of these strategies work, we will provide emergency recommendations for you:
- Start a fight club at Jay’s Place.
- Eat ten soft serves at the Hoch.
- Look at dorms with no A.C. and realize it might not be so bad after all
- Squirrel fighting ring