Confession Time: I’m a Canadian and I Smoke Crack

In light of all the media attention surrounding Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, I have wanted to come clean about a couple of things. I took some time over American Thanksgiving to talk with my family as to how to best discuss these issues. To start, as many may not know, I am Canadian (it’s pretty private, I don’t really bring it up).

More pressingly, a video has surfaced of me ‘supposedly’ smoking crack cocaine. Campus Security is in possession of said video tape and will be able to speak to its contents in approximately 3 years and 4 months (apparently they have to bust a few parties in the meantime).

I am not a crack cocaine addict, and I have never been asked directly whether I am, which is why the truth has yet to come out. Furthermore, the building formerly known as “Philthy Phillips”, was not a crack den that I regularly visited, but in fact a residence hall at CMC (despite appearances and smells).

I want to address a few of the accusations that have been made of me as well. Never have I missed an Exec Board meeting, nor have I ever misused any ASCMC money or funds. The record may show that I am technically not a member of the ASCMC Exec Board and that in no official capacity is my seat in Senate not a throne, but I digress.
On the subject of me (accidentally) knocking down ASCMC Vice President Maddie Hall at Senate, it was not my fault that she was in my way as I tried to run and yell at some random Freshmen who kept calling me a “maple-syrup sharing Socialist”.

While all these allegations may seem like personal attacks, I greatly appreciate the direction that people’s acknowledgement of me has gone in, because I obviously cannot handle anonymous compliments without writing a Forum article about it. It’s honestly just a side effect of the crack, I think.
Finally, based on allegations that I offered to perform sexual acts and/or pay her Motley tab as bribery to Golden Antlers Founder Clancy Tripp, I respond in saying that “I’ve got more than enough to eat at home”. (Also has anyone heard aboot that Rob Ford guy?)