“Do you have the Claremont Cough?” Don’t be ridiculous, I literally never get sick. The noises I was making last night were something else. Think of it as an engine cleaning itself, or like a self-cleaning oven—except the engine is my throat, and the fuel—well there is no fuel because it is an oven and those use gas, are you dumb?
I’m not sick. I take my health and wellness very seriously. My body is my temple. Why are you trying to take my Geekbar? You’re a fiend and the worst roommate ever.
January 31st, 2026. It has happened. It’s like the rapture meets 9/11 but for my favorite Malott tea flavor EVER: The Throat Soother. I should’ve known better, I stuffed all the packets I could fit into my pockets on Monday. Why did I take all the Throat soothers from Malott dining hall, you ask? In case you forgot, I am a bit of a health freak, and part of that is to take healthcare as a preventive measure—NOT a remedial one.
Just so you know, my throat will be sore later from all the Claremont Cock I’ll be stimming on. The quantitative trader in my secret pocket told me to go long on The Throat Soother, it is such a shame that I only listen to THEM when my $200k/year retainer is in my checkings. (Citadel Securities, TAKE ME).
There’s no going back. I have to confront it, that light tickle at the back of my throat that evolves into a full-body spasm is going to come and there’s nothing I can do about it. God, forgive me for the pain I am going to bring all of these germophobic sissies.
*cough* WHAT THE FREAK! STOP COUGHING ON ME. I literally can’t get sick right now, I promised my metrics professor I was giving THEM head. And you know how I’m going to fail that final. Thinking strategically here.
That’s not allowed? FYI, head can also just be oral (verbal), let me show you:
I LOVE how smart you are, professor, haha. Yes, tell me another mediocre joke. Do you want praise?
I come from a broken home, where mouths were used to tear each other down, and now that I am using my mouth for healing the world you have a problem with it? I am literally disabled, and the only thing that calms me down is satiating my oral fixation.