Cecil – Pomona
Cecil is already a famously amorous Centrocercus. Still, that doesn’t mean that “they” don’t have standards. Treat Cecil right, and maybe Cecil will treat you right. Pass them a note that says “chirp chirp” (Translation: Can I run my tongue down your abs?) If Cecil reciprocates your interest, meet them in Alexander Hall after hours for a special “payment plan and educational loan discussion.” For mood music, put on a playlist alternating between Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Free Bird and Mazzy Star’s Fade Into You. Then, after obtaining Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific consent (BURGER), let Cecil destroy you. When it’s all over, they cradle you in their arms. You ask, “Does the sun have to rise tomorrow?” They say nothing.
The Stag – CMC
For the meet-cute, follow @thegoldenantlers on Instagram and like every single post to get his attention. Alternatively, drive your 1996 Ford Explorer through the San Gabriel Mountains until you hear a thunk. For foreplay, put on Open Season 2 (2008)—the perfect film to get the libido pumping. The sex will be fine, but he lacks the faux-queer, overshirted flair of Cecil Sagehen. Still, it’s winter, and having someone to keep you warm tonight isn’t so bad. Even though you know he shouldn’t stay.
Brant Clock Tower – Pitzer
Pitzer doesn’t really have a mascot (technically Cecil, but you already let them rail you), so you’re going to have to get creative. BING BONG BING BONG. What’s that? A clock tower?? Haha, more like a cock tower!!! Hahahahaha! Why does it look like that? If you receive an enthusiastic yes, then it’s *time* to get busy! Little hand and big hand. One to twelve. Mmmm, sundials just don’t feel the same. Time together runs out; that’s how it’s built, why it’s comfortable.
Math – Harvey Mudd
Like Pitzer, Mudd doesn’t really have a mascot, unless you’re counting Lockheed Martin. There’s also this guy called Wally the Wart, but every time I see him, I finish instantly. So once again, it is time to think outside the box by choosing the most inside-the-box thing to make love to: math. They like math at Mudd, and now you do too! You really like math. E = MC^BONER! You need someone logical. Smart enough to understand you but too calculated to know you. Which is why you write: 6 + 9 = 15. Wait, no, 59 + 10 = 69. There we go. Oooooh yeah, factor in the values of c, u, and m, uhhnnnngghhhhhhh. The sex is just you alone in your room with a calculator.
Athena – Scripps
To flirt, try academic validation. Instead of “haha you’re so funny,” say “haha you’re so smart, please don’t turn me into a spider or a Medusa.” If you’re lucky and she reciprocates, use the line “I heard you burst out of your Dad’s head, can I give YOU head until YOU burst…Dad?” Your perfect wording will make her swoon! If all works out, she’ll invite you to her place. Depending on the day, it could either be Olympus or the Kimberly/Wilbur browsing room. Now’s the time to deploy your Percy Jackson knowledge. The conversation will go something like: “Remember when you were a park ranger in The Titan’s Curse?” “I never did that; it’s from a YA fantasy book. It’s not real.” “Wait, but you’re like from mythology.” “Shut up and kiss me.” etc. The sex is amazing. She goes full The Eumenides on your ass. She litigates in a way that makes you feel safe from Fury. Is it justice?
Congrats, you horny little freak! You’ve completed the NEW 5C challenge! How does it feel? Are we still yearning? Hmm, who could the common denominator in all of this be? Probably Math. Cough cough Great Gatsby, cough cough green light COUGH. Maybe you need to fuck Oswalt the Tiger.