Dear Unreasonable People,
I do not care if JK Rowling is transphobic. She wrote Harry Potter, and that is fucking awesome. Do you remember the time when the Dementors kissed Harry right on the mouth? In Britain they call that snogging!!! Haha, when I was nine, I called kissing snogging, and my friends here in the colonies made fun of me. I also called the garbage can the rubbish bin. They (CULTURELESS SAVAGES) made so much fun of me! I cried so so hard!
That is probably what JK Rowling feels like when she is bullied online, for what, I do not know. But she made Harry Potter. We should get the Frary Potter meal with the candles now. Why was it canceled? I do not care, JK Rowling is fucking awesome!!!
Do you remember Frary Potter? Let’s have it every day!! Hey, does anybody disagree that JK Rowling made Harry Potter? The one with Snape and the Patronuses? Ok, well I think I just won this argument. Did you know that I readed all of the books last year? She (JK Rowling) taught me how to read, and her word is canon law. Go women! JK Rowling is the first female Pope. If she were in charge of the Vatican, I’d get on all fours. I also think she would make every priest a woman, because she is such an awesome feminist.
Making the men women? Does that sound like anything to you? And you guys have the gall to call her transphobic.
Sometimes I read the Harry Potter fanfictionses by people who are not JK Rowling, and I get a little confused. The gender doesn’t always line up?? For instance, Dobby the house elf sometimes has a “wand,” (a kind of wooden penis) but he does all the woman housework butt naked? He cleans clothes but sometimes does not wear them? That sounds really queer, and scary, and I think he has a medical condition. What a sexual libertine! In JK Rowling’s good versions, Dobby has clothes and maybe no penis. Dobby LOVES clothes. I hope he does not wear women’s clothes, but if JK Rowling said he did, I would be ok with it.
Rather than being a transphobe, Rowling is the reason you can drink butterbeer at Frary and at Universal Studios in Florida. Holy shit have you ridden the awesome roller coaster ride there?! It goes ZOOM and you’re like on a broomstick!!! Could anybody who did or made that be bad? I don’t know, but definitely not. Who cares what anyone else thinks! Bring back Frary Potter NOW. Imagine if all the trans people got recognized by whatever gender they say they are, like with that new law in Scotland. They would spend so much time talking in line about their gender that the sick ass roller coaster would never take off!
In first conclusion, I love JK Rowling. And sometimes, she can make the names better than other people. If she had a transgender, I think it would be named Feminina Mannius, but who am I to judge? I just think that if you have a big wand that means it’s a dick and if you have a small one that is a vagina. We should not be medicalizing young children to think they can swap wands all willy-nilly. In fact, the wand chooses the wizard. That’s a big plot point when Draco gets the Elder Wand, kind of, you’ll see when you read the books! He is so hot.
Accio boner! It would suck if he was a woman. I’d still gorge on her blonde bush, but conceptually I’d interrogate the very idea of her personhood. Is that fair? Yes.
I will concede one counterpoint. JK Rowling might be trans because she uses a man’s pen name. And if he was, that might be ok, because women are weaker than men, and taken less seriously, as Rowling implicitly practices and acknowledges in her feminist ideas of empowerment. I know I am just like JK Rowling— a cow (woman) in wolf’s (men’s) clothing. It’s time for me to eat!
Remember: I will do horrible horrific things to people if I cannot stuff my fat mouth at Frary Potter, even if I need to wear men’s pants because my biggo thighs swell up like the Hogwarts tree or spiders in the Forbidden Forest.
In last conclusion, the internet unfairly pursues Rowling. In fact, the internet should be worried about Rowling being pursued. There are so many people who would chase her into the bathroom and try to steal her stinky, stinky shits (I bet they’re made of gold: ha ha, look out for Snufflers!). And his happens every single day to her, just because they said the magic words, “I am a woman!!!” The only magic words that should have any weight are the ones you use to enter the Room of Requirement. Stop making JK Rowling accountable for her actions. Let me eat spotted dick and tripe at Frary!