It’s Wednesday. 11:49am. You’re mere minutes away from your ninth Frank hamburger of the week when you realize that your she/they septum-pierced-Bay area-Gender and Women’s Studies baddie of a prof hasn’t brought up our lord and savior the whole goddamn semester. This is unheard of. This is nothing short of a crisis. Your classmate Moss (bug/bugself) looks like they – fuck, I swear I’m a good liberal – bugself are about two seconds from calling camp sec and revoking her woke card on the spot. And you know what? Bugself would be perfectly justified, because Prof Silicon Valley isn’t talking about Malala, and that basically makes her a MAGA Republican.
Prof Silicon Valley, I mean. Not Malala. I mean, if Malala turned MAGA I’d probably thank her or no um sorry I’d doxx her — fuck, I swear I’m a good liberal roll the next slide.
But Malala is so cool guys! She rose from the ashes and fought for our rights and died for our sins, and the least we can do is dedicate, like, twelve federal holidays in her honor? That sounds correct right like I’m a good liberal you guys still like me? Because when I think of the pink tax, I think of Malala. When I see my quirked up situationship’s rose toy, I think of Malala. When it’s three in the morning and I can’t sleep because I’m too deep into a major I can’t stand and every atom in my body is telling me to drop out except my mommy won’t let me come to Barcelona this summer if I blow another $90k finding myself, it’s Malala on my brain. And if you aren’t Malalamaxxxing on the daily too, then I think you need to ask yourself the tough questions.
And anyway, I love that we all use the same picture of her from 2013! What, you think she looks different now than she did at age fifteen? Then you’re a Really Obviously Not-Genius (RONG!), and if you just Google her then –
…
what do you mean she’s still alive.