Opinion – I Didn’t Cheat on You Because our Relationship Exists in the Marketplace of Ideas

Hey Babe, 

Did you remember to pick up my creatine supplements? Also, my suit pants need to be tailored much shorter, could you get on that? Hey, babe, why are you so upset?  It’s not a very…becoming look for you. Anger washes out your cheekbones. I’m just being honest! You know I have no filter. 

What do you mean you read my texts? Obviously I’m not upset, I know that’s well within your rights under the patriot act, but still…don’t you trust me? Okay well, she’s just a friend. She’s actually helping me diversify my portfolio if you must know. You’re breaking up with me?? Have you considered the opportunity cost here? Think about what you’re giving up! I’m one ab short of a six pack, and I invested in Mint Mobile from the jump. Not to mention my Pickle Rick NFT. Okay fine! We slept together. How many times? Like…10 times I want to say? Babe, you should be happy it happened so many times! Don’t you know about the law of diminishing marginal utility: the more times I had sex with her, the less happiness I gained from it! I was practically miserable by the end! Plus she wouldn’t indulge in my Patrick Bateman roleplay after I asked her repeatedly. You know, the scene where they’re showing off their business cards? 

Hey…now here me out…what if I invited her over and we all started…talking. You two are perfect complements: two goods that must be consumed together! Fine, jeez, I was just brainstorming. I guess I’m just solution oriented. You know I have stackable skills, I can multitask on both of you! Listen babe, you don’t have a monopoly on me! There are rules about that. Okay, honestly, you sound crazy right now. I don’t know why you’re so upset! What do you not understand? Our relationship exists in the marketplace of ideas, I can’t help it if the ladies want to do some shopping. 

Oh my god, why are you packing up your things? I feel like you’re really taking this too far. What, you’re gonna find a new place to live? Now? It’s a seller’s market, babe. Fine, leave. Your boobs have sagged lower than the DOW average anyway.