“What is a dowry?”
We thought so 🤡🤡🤡🤡.
A dowry is like a lifehack but better. To close the deal on a marriage, a wife’s father will pay the human man to marry/buy his daughter, often in livestock or Sumerian beer. Doesn’t that sound so normative? Hetero? Hetero… normative? Obviously, Dowries CLEARLY need to be queerified!!! 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈
I’m shocked nobody is talking about this. For Queers, dowries can be a safer investment than guns or even the 2015 Supreme Court (but not the 2016-2024 Supreme Courts). If you don’t like ‘em, join ’em! Let’s replace traditional economics (yukk🤮🤢🤢🤮🤮😾🖕🖕🖕) with traditional economics (yum👀👅💦💦🥺🏳️🌈🥵🏳️🌈🥵🏳️🌈🥵🏳️🌈🥵). Take on the system!
Almost every cisgender straight couple has a dowry, and they’re rich! So don’t worry about traditional relationship structures. Worry about your bag!!! Liberation only comes from the oppressor, not sex shops in Portland.
Dowries also make us queer folkxses respectable. Ed and Susan would never invite us to dinner parties if we were broke! We’re freaks because we haven’t even defined our worth in the economy. We either Dow-are, or Dow-ain’t. And to be honest, we Dow-ain’t. Fun fact: every company listed in the Dow Jones Industrial Average is owned by the Westboro Baptist Church.
So… Who gets the dowry? Have an honest conversation with your partner(s) parent(s). Ask what you need to make this thing work! Trying some healthy roleplay—think the Code of Hammurabi—can really help. But also, it’s obviously the bottom’s responsibility. The bottom is the woman and the top is the man, so that makes a lot of sense.
If queer people had no money or livestock or other forms of chattel then almost everything else, like the right to marry, is nearly pointless. Even really really really really normal people like Clarence Thomas would agree. Think about how happy your parents would be if you were normal! Think about how happy your grandparents would be if you had something like a pension!
A dowry is for having fun. It can get spicy. I’m something of a traditionalist, but you don’t need your worth to be in sorghum and bull semen! Try dusting off those “plugs,” and reselling that chastity cage. It’s time to break our chains!