After their latest devastating loss, Pomona-Pitzer football has been experiencing an existential crisis leading to a shocking change in the 5C sports community. There have been reports of sightings of football players in the Pendleton ballroom practicing their waltz (with each other of course), listening to “All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version)” on a loop while sobbing on the ex-football field (good for the plants), and painting each other on Walker Beach (fully nude and listening to 1989 (Taylor’s Version)).
Many have attributed this change to the team’s recent bonding event where they watched the Barbie movie. Since watching the film, the members of the P-P football team have not only discovered feminism, but the film has also sparked an interest in discovering their “Kenenergy.” This discovery and the Eras Tour movie (P-P footballers are HUGE Swifties) have triggered the abandonment of their commitment to football.
With this newfound vacancy, administration has reached out to the Claremont Foxes, the women’s D1 rugby team, to replace the “D-3” P-P football team. In a shocking turn of events, the Foxes (now Sagehens) have been dominating the season. Who knew that students from a women’s college would excel at terrifying men?
Our dedicated team at the Golden Antlers have been attending these games in disguise (complete with fake mustaches and toupees) after receiving alarming, anonymous tips that our new football team is (surprisingly) decent. Reports have stated that the Foxes have been ruthless in their plays. Examples of their brutality include whispering to their competitors that they have micropenises, making them cry for their mommies, and traumatizing them with graphic descriptions of birth. Although this is absolutely terrifying, this change has been welcomed in the community with one student dressed in nothing but a toga commenting, “it’s nice to finally go to a game where the team actually wins.”
Previously the Lady Foxes, these new Sagehens have embraced this change, with one player stating “it makes sense, you know, men are so fragile and ticklish, they just aren’t built for these types of high-impact sports.” Everyone has welcomed this change with open arms, hearts, and legs. This had led to the recent speculation that the CMS football team would be replaced by our amazing CMS Women’s volleyball team, since unlike the weak little boys who finish too quickly, these women know how to last since they are actual national champions, can win games, and are good with balls.
While we can neither confirm nor deny these speculations, our official statement in regards to this topic is that we support all our athletes (regardless of how many trophies or championships or even if they haven’t even won anything at all). We wish everyone good luck on their new endeavors, and hope that the ex-football team members improve on their ball handling skills and learn to catch more than just STIs.