It’s a scary time to be a 5C student. These peaceful student protests pose a grave threat to our beloved status quo — a threat that our campus security officers and their little golf carts are simply not equipped to handle. These peacekeepers already have so many shitty dorm parties to shut down, we can’t also expect them to effectively silence student voices!
Fortunately, our glorious Pomona administration has a solution! You may have noticed the dozens of CSC “Campus Danger Officers” milling about. Don’t be distracted by the fact that most of these CSC officers are over the age of 60. These top-of-the-line defense experts are all trained karate professionals and can shoot lasers out of their eyeballs.
Good luck getting into Carnegie this time, losers. If they catch even a glimpse of a red can, much less a red spray-paint can, you’re getting incinerated on the spot. It’s what Netanyahu would want.
“We haven’t had any protests recently, so I’ve just been doing laps around the Coop Fountain making low growling noises at anyone wearing a mask,” says one Danger Officer. “I was worried Pomona wouldn’t let me carbonize their students (what with that being a crime against humanity and all) but it turns out that the admin here has been super big into human rights violations recently. Yippee!”
As cool and epic as we think these Danger Officers are, some concerns have been raised about their ability to effectively destroy student movements — namely, that they might be a little too old and too slow to chase down student protestors. Not to worry. In the pursuit of creating a fitness-forward, first-rate militia, our campus defenders have all been enrolled in Playground Games. A few weeks of hide-and-seek tag and the student movement will be done for.