In a stunning new proposal delivered at the UN Climate Change Conference, Russia outlined plans to end global warming via a simple, two-step plan: Launch nuclear missiles; Engage in nuclear winter. This is a huge reversal from the UN’s current climate strategy, which was detailed in a page memorandum simply entitled “Doing Nothing Until Everyone Forgets About it – Sponsored by Monsanto.”
Top Russian climate scientist and Minister of Defense Ivana Gotowar said of the bombastic proposal, “I mean it makes a lot of sense, we just press a couple buttons and – pardon the pun – boom, no more climate change. Well, no more climate, period. We’ve already begun building an underground society so Russia can be the only surviving vestige of the human race during the post-apocalypse.”
US climate scientist and Exxon executive Mike Drilloil fired back, saying, “according to our research, the proper solution for climate change is even more climate change.” He also noted that oil companies should be able to do what they want, because “it’ll all even out eventually.”
Mr. Drilloil spent 20 minutes outlining why a winter post-apocalypse world is “totally uncool.” He said, “What if Mad Max was set in a snowstorm, huh? It would’ve sucked. Like absolutely tanked. Creating a desert world where we can all freely wear BDSM gear and name ourselves things like Chrome-Fucker Mike without our ex-wife Charlene using it in court to renegotiate alimony is only possible if we keep consuming Exxon’s oil and burn ourselves to oblivion.”
President Putin has remained relatively silent on the issue, releasing only an image of himself standing nude in fresh (radioactive) snowfall. On the other hand, President Biden delivered a 45 minute rambling monologue that Americans could only sit through the first couple minutes of.
Instead, citizens turned to their favorite news channel for play-by-play commentary
— Fox News, Nerd Fox News (MSNBC), or Coastal Elite Fox News (CNN).
When I was a boy, one summer my grandpappy took me to the fair and said: kid, if it ever gets too hot, gee wiz, whatever you do, buster, don’t launch several nuclear warheads whose mushroom clouds of radioactive ash will blot out the sun for weeks, lowering temperatures by as much as 40°. Instead, make promises you can’t and won’t keep and foster the cold indifference of the American voter base. Malarky!
– Joe Biden
With the political administrations taking a backseat, it seems this is a climate war between the Russian defense lobby and the US oil sector. It’s clear that both groups want the world to go up in flames, one just wants it to get really cold after < and the other wants it to burn with their brand of fossil fuels. We’re all fucked either way, so might as well start thinking of a Mad Max name for yourself!