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“We Will Continue To Treat Every Member Of Our Community With Respect,” Writes Palpatine In Email To Imperial Forces


“Dear Death Star Community,” began the email sent yesterday by Emperor Palpatine to the entirety of the Imperial Navy. “I am writing with an update regarding the contract negotiations with Unite Here Interstellar 489, the union for the Death Star’s cafeteria workers.” Last week, the workers voted overwhelmingly in favor of approving a strike, asking for a raise to keep up with the rapidly rising cost of living under Imperial rule. 

“We can’t even afford to pay space rent anymore,” said Grego Typhe, a chef in Fraxy cafeteria. “Which makes no sense – you’d think that a job on the Death Star would have room and board included, but he’s been charging us 500 Galactic credits a month because of ‘inflation.’ I don’t think he knows what that word means.” 

In the email, Palpatine doubled down on his refusal to pay the workers, stating that, “Our staff’s demand for a livable wage is one we are tragically unable to meet. While I do happen to be the autocratic leader of the entire galaxy, with great power comes great expenses. What kinds of expenses? Expenses far beyond your comprehension. I went to space business school, so clearly I know what I’m talking about.” The email ended with an emphasis on the Emperor’s deep commitment to his subjects and employees. “We will continue to treat every member of our community with respect,” he wrote, “but also, I blew up Alderaan last week, so don’t fuck with me.”

The Golden Antlers wishes the Emperor best of luck in negotiations with the traitorous cafeteria workers and anxiously awaits the swift defeat of the rebels. Hail Palpatine!


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