Everything seems normal at first, then JD Vance walks in with a pup play mask and a leash
Trump receives experimental nanomachines surgery to become super fucking strong like Senator Armstrong from Metal Gear; nation “totally fucked at this point”
A younger, prettier Trump springs out of his wrinkly body as hundreds of onlookers watch
Trump promotes Flat Tummy Tea, attempts 10 “girl push ups,” dies live on stage
Trump advertises sale on his Depop shop (bundle 5 items for free shipping)
Trump can only speak using those buttons that they get dogs to talk with, but the only button he has is his diet coke one
Uh oh! Trump got #fuckedup at Wet SZN!!!!!!
Trump cutely snickers, and reveals he had to take a quick trip to the island for “old time’s sake”
Trump to take a break from work, appear as a contestant in Mr. Beast Video
Trump returns from ayahuasca spirit quest, changes name to “Moth”
Everyone’s social security numbers are changing, just subtract 1 from your previous number
Trump stands in front of White House wearing Hillary Clinton’s face silently for an hour
Melania is gone, new wife Filipina
Trump to replace Chevy Chase in Community reboot #SixSeasonsAndAMovie
Trump announces disappointment at the lack of a “song of the summer”
Trump comes out with a new leg that clearly isn’t his and debuts new haircut: nonbinary buzz with Golfwang flames painted on it
Trump spent weekend “booling, hanging with day ones”
Trump (looking gorgeously tan post-Jamaica) steps out with beaded box braids and explains absence was caused by the infection of his new belly button piercing #hotGirlSummer
