We’ve all been there: perhaps you’re new on campus or perhaps just a natural nobody. The perfect way to alleviate this ailment is to assert dominance over your favorite school club. Before you know it, you’ll not only be in the ping pong for non majors hall of fame, but also banned on all campuses and two continents!
1. Sex Scandal
All press is good press, and if the Minecraft movie has taught us anything, it’s that sex sells. Not only does it get your name out there, it instills this voice within your peers’ heads: “Wow! This guy is ballsy! Seriously, one can only dream to understand the size of those cajones! I better watch out, lest those watermelons snuff out this little light of mine!”
2. Hateful Rumors
No low is too low when it comes to sabotage. I’m sure the 5C slackline club would hate to hear one of the most loyal members orchestrated the demise of the Pitzer slackline. But some universal starters include: accusations of embezzlement, being fizz famous, and holding up the Malott taco line. Word has it a certain student newspaper takes bribes, so spread these like wildfire with a couple ones for those TSL g-strings!
3. Propaganda
If Uncle Sam isn’t above it, neither are you! Perhaps 5C pickleball needs new promo videos featuring the strong, virile, and girthy new club protege!
4. Scheming Advisor Role
A whisper here and there does wonders, because no one else truly has their best interest at heart like you do, you little rascal. Judas, Brutus, and Miss Piggy all had the right idea: when the time comes, betrayal and abandonment is essential. And who will they follow? The 5C birding leader, who, frail in his age as a senior, could barely identify the white-crowned sparrow, or the young ingénue who successfully led the trip to the coast to see the rare layson albatross?
5. “And Alexander wept, seeing as he had no more worlds to conquer.”
Now that you have taken over your initial target, it is only a matter of time before your influence spreads to the furthest depths of the secret #fight clubs. Remember that every empire has an expiration date, so abuse that power while you got it! However, a time will come when you must consider your endgame: will your father finally be proud of you, no longer seeing you as the loser child he sneered at as he threw your participation prize in the trash? Will it ever be enough to fill the oedipal void present since your conception
Oh well, sex, money, and drugs are imminent, so start dreamin’ baby!