Pomona College students are not happy. They’re quite literally the Ivy League of the West Coast if you pretend Stanford got crushed by a giant anvil, and yet their dorms are still un air-conditioned! It isn’t fair—the whores at Scripps, the graffiti artists at Pitzer, and the military weapons developers at Harvey Mudd all get to go home every night to nice, cold rooms. Why must their betters suffer so??
Well, Pomona students, we here at the Golden Antlers are sympathetic to your plight. We did some digging, and, after blackmailing Jeff Roth, Pomona College’s treasurer (and the person with perhaps the least phonetically pleasing name of all time) we have managed to uncover what your tuition money is REALLY going towards.
1. Trader Joe’s Cotton Candy Grapes
One Frigidaire 5,000 BTU Window-Mounted Room Air Conditioner costs $169.00, and a box of cotton candy grapes costs $9.99. This means that for the low price of one (1) student meeting an unfortunate, heatstroke-related end, the Pomona College board can have nearly SEVENTEEN WHOLE BOXES of grapes! They taste just like cotton candy! Grapes!
2. Bombs for the IDF
All the would-be Lockheed Martin employees went to Mudd, and Gabi Starr will NOT let them have the highest kill count. What’s a few hundred mil in exchange for a WSJ ranking?
3. Fully Operational, Bloodthirsty Freddy Fazbear Animatronic
Self explanatory.
4. Five hundred pure gold 1” tall statues of Charlie Kirk
Jeff Roth (what a terrible combination of syllables!) did the math, and realized this was actually more cost efficient than their original plan of one fifty foot tall pure gold statue, so anyone who says they’re wasting money can suck it!
5. Minecraft server hosting fee so Gabi Starr can finally get that Twitch streaming career started
They know the 2020 Minecraft craze is pretty much dead, but you can’t put an expiration date on a dream! She did splurge on this one a bit, but only because she needs a lot of RAM if she’s going to build detailed replicas of the 5cs and then blow the other 4 up with TNT.
As always, we here at the Golden Antlers remain impartial and unbiased reporters. If the oh-so-sweaty Pomona College students have any complaints about the allocation of their tuition money, they are advised to take it up with Jeff Roth (literally why would anyone choose that name. Did his mother hate him???)