William C. Dudley has been selected as the sixth president of Claremont McKenna College (CMC), effective July 2026. RIP GILF (Grandfather I’d Like to F**k) President Chodosh, you shall be missed. During 13 glorious years of the Hiram Chodosh regime, he truly witnessed, experienced, and contributed to the highs and lows of my brothers’ and sisters’ coked-up educational journey.
Yes, I am sure Chodosh will give him the deets of what CMC is actually like beyond the finance bro wannabes and nepo blonde babes. But I think he really, really needs to know what CMC is actually like. So you’re welcome, Dudley. I will tell you what is up in here.
Throw away all your presumptions about CMC students, then put them back where they were, because there are exactly 4 types of CMC students, and I will be breaking down each one for you.
Type 1. Obviously the “finance bro” of CMC. Yes. Their father owns a private equity firm or is the managing director of the Northwest region of Goldman Sachs, but they actually all have a deep passion for skiing down Mount Baldy on the weekends. But who cares about men? I know I don’t. Let’s talk about the finance girls. Yes, you’re correct. DEI has officially reached CMC and we are breaking open our finance world to women. Turns out CMC women ALSO feel the need to overcompensate. But, just be aware that the only reasons women are trying to overcompensate is their father’s lack of attention towards them and their situationship ghosting them on Snap like they are still in middle school. Okay. Yeah, let’s just say the Claremont Women in Business new members’ orientation meeting did not pass the Bechdel test. Yikes.
Type 2. Start-up. B2B SaaS AI-backed, determined LinkedIn people trying to make it big and disrupt the market. However, those looks-maxxing brothers are all compensating for the fact that they got rejected from SIF (Student Investment Fund) and CCG (Claremont Consulting Group) (twice), by the way. But they are all trying to make it big by doing random remote internships — how sad.
Type 3. Government. They are all going to sell out to “political consulting” firms that definitely aren’t AIPAC and will definitely not be conservative Trumpies. They are determined to tell anyone who will listen that they do not smoke marijuana because that will hurt their security clearance, but heck yeah they will chain smoke cigarettes on a Thursday night. They are dual majoring in Government and Economics because they are afraid of failing in their miserable, sad Washington D.C. life. Real — so that is why they are going to work for AIPAC first thing out of grad. Nice.
Type 4: Pomona rejects. I know, I’m sorry. But apparently they just weren’t liberal enough for the great institution of Pomona. The Ivy of the West. They applied Early Decision 1 to Pomona as a History/Literature major but were rejected and CMC was their second choice. So they put away their dignity and any self-respect they once had and tucked their pride flags away.
Anyways. I am excited for you to come to the great institution of Claremont McKenna College, President Dudley. Though I think your last name is a bit funny. Dudley. Haha. Make Claremont McKenna College Great Again. See you soon, Big D 😉