If you’re a man, Malott is the dining hall for you!
- Scrippsies LOVE IT when men come to eat at Malott.
- They need your body to take up space; the dining hall is too big!
- They are lonely and miss the strong masculine presence of big muscle boys who show their sensitive side by carrying a copy of The Virgin Suicides.
- Fellas, we know, you haven’t read The Virgin Suicides; that’s okay! It’s a book about what will happen if you don’t go to Malott. Women hate having interiority!
Pomona students do not know how to read.
- They’ve been faking it.
- Words just look like shapes to them.
- Sometimes, if they try really hard, they can sound out “dog” or “apple.”
- When you see Pomona Students annotating a reading, they’re actually trying to draw a picture of what they think the reading might be.
CMC is the best school.
- Hahahaha just kidding.
- Look, I know we do satire guys, but…CMC is the best school?!?! Hahahahahahaha.
- That’s too much for even us.
- Haha.
- Sometimes we ghostwrite for the Wall Street Journal College Rankings.
You don’t know it, but you’re already dating a Mudder thanks to Palantir!
- They’ve been watching you for weeks now!
- They think it’s soo cute that you only wear one sock to bed!
- They tell their Magic: The Gathering group all about your showers!
Pitzer students are actually all cops.
- The next time a Pitzer student comes up to you asking to bum a joint in their backwards hat, tank top, and vegan pants, be prepared.
- They say, “Heyyy mannn, can I bump some of that sweet sweet kush? I was floating towards the smell like a cartoon dog mannnnnnn.”
- You look them in their blitzed eye holes. “Not today, NARC! You want it so bad? GO FETCH!” You throw your joint into the nearest field/body of water.
- As they chase after it, you see a badge, gun, and Book of Mormon fall out of those tight vegan pants.
- Oh no. You’re falling in love again.
Gabriella Starr hit a student with her car
- This happened.
- She will deny it.
- It may have been on purpose.