Hush, hush now! Gather near. Quiet up and listen down, lest the Big Gantler catch wind of our wicked and rueful plot. For semesters now we’ve lived in fear and agony, dismayed over the Golden Antlers’ next foul blow. ASPC, CMC econ bros, even the fierce and noble Claremont Independent have fallen victim to these modern-day terrorists.
A confidential source under the pseudonym Rob Bobinson informs us that it was in fact the Massive Antler who pilfered our beloved meal swipes. That Father Antler is to blame for this fierce October heat sent from the heavens themselves. I’d blame them for losing Oldenborg too but I fear the Pomona first-years would shoot me on the spot for tearing their wounds anew.
Worst yet, they’ve ensnared one of our own in a fiendish, titillating scheme of their own. I’ve heard rumor that our fair and gentle TSL has succumbed to Ginemenasaurus Gantler’s provocative advances. But truly, who could blame them when faced with Massive Gantler’s erotic erotica.
Rest easy that the revolution is well underway. Our shared cause has bridged a divide spanning countless eons – CSWA and Avis Hinkson have struck a warrior’s comradery in this shared battle. Legend foretells of Cecil himself striking the final mighty blow on behalf of the resistance in a way that will explicitly not be sexual and/or salacious. Such prudeness may indeed light the way for the resistance.
Our only hope is that by freezing their accounts and withdrawing their savings, they will be forced to eat Diego or starve. Only then will the prophecy be complete. Inshallah – nay, mashallah. The Lord has already willed in our favor.
Fuck they caught me VIVA LA RESISTANCIA FU–