Close your eyes and paint a picture. Wait, you don’t have to! You’ve arrived early to Antiracist Feminist Queer Praxis, since Blind Art Synergies was canceled by Professor Marx due to, “a confluence of negative horoscopes.” Usually, this is a safe space; a time to reject theory and theorize about praxis. It’s a time for wondering about things, like where to get dinner. But forget about wonder—today, you’re getting abused.
The abuser? Samaritan Clown, ball-juggling extraordinaire. His abusive words shred your fragile peace. The Bully has entered the schoolyard, and he really wants to know if anyone saw the Ravens game last night. You might escape him—a winced smile or nodded head could do it. After all, big stick diplomacy works best with the olive branch. Appeasement never fails; ask any Neville Chamberlain impersonator worth their sterling.
Since most predators hate the taste of possum, everyone else plays dead. Maybe Samaritan will lose interest. You remember a reading from RLST-129 (Kangaroo Anthologies, Wisdoms & Warnings). As Loam Pompski wrote, “terror is indifferent to the marsupial. Our nonchalance is the predator’s soul-death; we become victims only when enabling their rage.” And for a moment, all is still. Except for Stimby “women-can-love-sports-too” Pavalcino.
Like a house of cards, Stimby wears many suits. It’s easy to forget that besides being antiracist, feminist, and queer, she also loves sports. Surprised? Go to any major croquet match and you’ll see thousands just like her, cheering on thoughtless violence. The Bible was wrong; the wicket shall not perish. So forget about Proverbs; Stimby has the proverbial mallet. When she and Samaritan start gabbing, skulls start splitting. Your vision quickly fades to black…
“Dinkus was def the worst trade in franchise history”
[THUD]
“My fantasy team’s so fucked up rn”
[SPLIT]
“I saw Dinkus at a Ravens game last year”
[CRACK]
“Oh me too! I’m from Baltimore haha”
[CRUNCH]
It’s easy to hate Samaritan and Stimby for what they’ve done to you. But perhaps it isn’t their fault. Psychologist Yewshley Garbles, in his seminal text Unclearing the Cleared, defined abuse as a, “smeepjorp beezlenut.” One cannot nurture nature, and conversational violence is the nature of 5C athletes. Thus is their doom. They are Atlas, blithely shrugging the world.
People like Samaritan and Stimby have hurt you before. Remember when they’d say, “three strikes, you’re out,” or, “don’t swim with us, you’ll literally drown.” In Claremont, you’re in their society.
But it must stop. Abuse is never funny. Even when the CMS men’s soccer team has their season canceled. For athletes, this will be a tough fish pill to swallow. But the only way to stop this behavior is to call it out. To fight back. To abuse the abuser. When the Samaritans and Stimbys of the world start talking about sportsball, don’t just leave the table. Flip it.