Luigi Mangione Escapes to Italy In Big Green Pipe

4:59 am, or 11:59 am in Italian

Luigi Mangione broods broodily in his cell. His big muscles glint even in the darkness of the MDC, where he remains captive in the bowels of Brooklyn city. His sculpted, hulking body fills out the jumpsuit like a hand fills out a glove. His fingertips twitch in his silent mood.

5:03 am

Reflecting, our raven thinks of the last book he read before the incident: “What’s Our Problem: A Self-Help Book For Societies.” That was back when he was free. Free to do Goodreads. Free from injury, when his lower back and spine muscles could work together for, well, you know what. Lay pipe. Wink.

5:06 am: The Pipe

A pipe! Luigi loves pipes. His dad knew plumbers. But this pipe was like something Luigi had only seen in the video games he developed — something he didn’t think could happen in real life. It is like one of those Mario pipes — bright green, the only color in the prison’s grey halls. A look of intrigue darts across Luigi’s chiseled face. Jaunty 8-bit music is heard. Nobody is around: all is still.

5:07 am

Georgia Meloni, prime minister of the home country (Italy), steps out of the pipe with 6-inch heels and eyebrows that scream “yassss, fascist!” She’s accompanied by her Jewish friend, Yoshi— a recent convert, but an Italian nonetheless. Luigi is too shocked to register her words: “We’ve come to take you back where you really belong–the mushroom kingdom (Tuscany).”

5:08 am

Luigi’s Italian cock vein twitches green white and red. There’s still a bit of pizza on his breath from years ago. He smells the essence of cannoli on Princess Meloni’s beautiful ripe skin: ripe like a delicious peachy mushroom; one you can only get in the old country where they grow peaches and mushrooms in vine-laden vineyards. “I’m in,” he says.

5:10 am

Two minutes later Luigi is down the pipe—gone. Not Princess Meloni’s, you animals. Luigi and Princess Meloni have made it through. But Yoshi hasn’t. Their delicious dinosaur donkadonk still won’t get through the pipe. “We can’t do this without you Yoshi— you’re my Moishe!” say the people through the pipe. Yoshi farts ruefully. The fumes caress his/they/hes yamulke.

5:48 am

The gas cloud of Yoshi’s rank meaty farts — they have been stewing for 38 minutes, he’s been proteining on mushrooms — triggers the guard. It’s Eric Adams, the hero mayor of New York City! Eric hurtles around the corner. Yoshi’s huge bulging ass is muffin-topping the pipe. Eric Adams gets closer. Yoshi groans, his panic shooting snot bubbles into the air. Eric has been hiding here in MDC since the Biden administration spanked him. Yoshi curses in Italian: “mamma mia!” [italian for mamma mia]. A gun finds its way into Eric’s hands. Another meaty, ripe fart from Yoshi. A single crack echoes in the air. Yoshi is dead. Luigi and Princess Meloni survived… for how long?