The Marias. Clairo. Lizzy McAlpine. For the oldheads, Japanese Breakfast. Weyes Blood. Fiona Apple. Lucy Dacus. The voice of Gracie Abrams, but not the body or soul. Cher Lloyd. The artists of Scripps College, uniquely creating songs to make bisexual freshmen cry while they move out of their dorm rooms.
These songs define a generation, one month at a time. But once that month is up and the men at CMC get wise to what a ‘Mitski’ is — that’s where the song dies. This cycle has been perpetuated for years, and it will continue for decades — so we, at the Golden Antlers, are officially releasing our predictions for the next song Scrippsies will get attached to.
“My Aunt Can’t Come to Graduation Because She’s in Florence, Italy”
A soft, pathetic ballad about one of the truest griefs known commonly to Scrippsies: that your aunt can’t come to graduation because she’s in Florence, Italy. This song is deep, and full of emotion — from your Aunt drunkenly picking up the phone in a busy Italian restaurant, to the poetic “there’s a Pasta bar in McConnell on Thursdays,” plea made by the singer, the themes of longing and aunts are a safe bet to wow.
“I’m Not Aging Gracefully But Botox Counts as Breaking Sobriety”
This song uses themes of womanhood, wrinkles, and going sober for a month since you’ve been getting a bit too crazy on Wine Wednesdays recently to echo the insecurities of a lot of Scrippsies. As the chorus repeats “If I get lip filler and botox at the same time it will be too noticeable so I have to do one first,” you can easily imagine almost any Scrippsie staring longingly out the window.
“My Dior Lip Oil Fell in the Gutter of North Mills Avenue”
Covering loss, agony, and grief, the track embodies the feminine rage of losing a $40 lip oil your Mom got you the last time you went to Sephora together. The soft melody, the bisexual singer’s voice kind of cracking when she hits that high note, and the lyrics “I came back for you, but your body was crushed by the parked Campsec SUV” are sure to jerk your tears! I crode.
“My Roommate Found Out Both My Parents Have Wikipedia Pages”
An examination of the distrust, lies, and emotions that come out of a breakup. The worst kind of breakup — the breakup that happens when your roommate does something you don’t like, and you inevitably start resenting them. Mixed with the common Scripps issue of having financially famous parents, this song is sure to be a hit.
Honorable Mentions
Our honorable mentions include:
- My roommate bought the same rabbit toy as me”
- “My best friend’s hot military cousin is straight”
- “I have a kid but I don’t want to spend 9 months on that or stop drinking and my butch girlfriend has to go to work”
While impressive, these songs may just be too ahead of our time — maybe they’ll get played at a Quegger or any other party with suboptimal music.
OUR TOP PICK!
“Someone took my seat at CORE and it’s not a big deal but we’re like a month in and that was MY seat and I’m gonna look crazy if I make a scene about it” is an angry, angsty ballad about wanting more. This song is sure to be a hit for October, with incidents like this happening constantly. We predict that it’s only a matter of time before it’s the new ‘crying song for the pregame’ of the fall.