Co-writers: Emilio LeowMuscarolas, Lily Wellington
“What people forget is that Jesus was a capitalist,” said Mega Church pastor Joel Osteen III addressing the congregation after recent scandal.
“The invisible hand of the market is a clear allusion to God.”
*Thunderous applause*
“On the eighth day, God created the free market.”
*Raucous, deafening cheers. Someone shoots a pistol into the air*
“The 10th circle of hell is reserved for communists and the IRS!”
*Pastor releases bald eagles onto the crowd*
“If god didn’t want me to buy a private jet, why would he have made me rich?”
*Crowd furiously writes tithe checks*
“It’s a fact that Ayn Rand wrote the final entry of the new testament.”
*Crowd floods the stage with bras and jock-straps*
“You know, It’s easier for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven than it is for a woman to enter the workforce.”
*Crowd fervently recites 9 to 5 by Dolly Parton*
“I’m no theologian, but if you rearrange the letters in Karl Marx it spells Satan!”
*Crowd throws tomatoes at statue of Satan in corner*
“If you rearrange the letters in Adam Smith it spells drain the swamp!”
*Crowd members begin riding mechanical bull*
“One must imagine my ex-wife a bitch!”
*Pastor crowd surfs*