“Please Jerk Off a Little Louder, I’m Almost There!” Plus 69 Other Essential Roommate Agreements

Tired of your roommate?

Is that bitch/douche/they getting on your last nerve?

Well, the wet and medically termed “ridonkulous” brains here at the Golden Antlers are here to help!

These agreements are sure to end that “will they, won’t they”, estranged cousin, and/or oedipal dynamics that are ruining the polycule!

1. Tea time with partners, let’s make it a double date!
2. WNBA team merch used for doormat
3. Only use each others’ toothbrush
4. No snoring during quiet hours
5. No more of the big rainbow flag I don’t even know what it means
6. Yelling and stomping when drunk
7. Leftist infighting at every opportunity
8. Halloween decorations all year! (I just really like spiders)
9. Get mad when someone takes your band-aid for their bleeding wound
10. 7 people in room at one time but nobody is allowed to use each other’s chairs
11. Mandatory microaggressions that turn into silent resentment for a year
12. Do not cry
13. ONE cry exception: hot professor rejection
14. No eating loudly, or eating softly, or eating
15. ONLY ozempic in the minifridge
16. Don’t flush #1: ball tap
17. Don’t flush #2: purple nurple 
18. Headphones always unless watching porn
19. Biotin gummies on WEEKENDS ONLY
20. First door patrolling shift goes to last one awake
21. No stealing meds unless it’s adderall and you give me $80
22. Sexiling limited to 7 minutes
23. Tackles are red cards, foul play is a yellow card
24. Our daughter will be at daycare from 8:30-4 pm
25. Wash fursuit on rotation after use
26. Leave your greenbox outside on the floor for the entire semester
27. NO Lin Manuel Miranda ponytails
28. Greenbox with chicken tikka only 
29. Do not disrespect my Lin Manuel Miranda shrine, I take him and his body of work incredibly seriously 
30. DON’T WASH OUT YOUR WATER BOTTLES!!!!!!!
31. Posters can only be of gay celebrities
32. Please stop going outside to argue with your mom (I am nosy and want to hear it)
33. Must eat at least one greenbox full of pineapple (make that cookie good)
34. Please jerk off a little louder, I’m almost there!
35. Must have a Communal Tongue Scraper 
36. Beat a dead horse
37. Have your cake and eat it too
38. Utilize compost pile in middle of room
39. We have to recreate the first scene of the lion king everytime I wake up and I am simba 
40. Have to worship the closet poster of Ronald Reagon making out with George H.W. Bush
41. Give me pieces of my hair to practice my witchcraft for my etsy shop
42. Be wasian 
43. Eat wall asbestos and secret ac mold
44. Let it crust 
45. Philip banned from suite forever! Any Philip, but especially Philip Belin
46. Go to the Charlie Kirk vigil together and hold hands
47. Hide under the sink and scare me when I come back from my night class
48. Every weekend bring back an evil man who pisses on my bed
49. Have to sing a lullaby and read a bed time story before lights out
50. Play 10 rounds of fuck marry kill before bed
51. If your laundry is done I can set it on fire
52. Put used tampons in trash can unwrapped
53. Replace the asbestos you eat 
54. No sports allowed
55. Toe nail clips in carpet OK
56. Free the nip!
57. Any complaints about roommate must be delivered in a haiku format 
58. Group rose toy
59. Open bathroom door policy
60. Can only come into the room after successfully verifying identity through a ball print scan
61. Take turns watering the mold corner
62. AC stays at 60 (See: rule 56) 
63. Passive aggressive vacuuming ONLY!
64. Lights, AC, electric toothbrush, faucet always on (foe on sustainability board)
65. Take pictures of each other sleeping for photography final
66. Shared snacks except my nuclear stockpile
67. Huge Kanye tweet banner has to go
68. Trash pubes fair game
69. No complaining if my cat shits in your shoes (I don’t have a cat) 
70. Have fun!🤪