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Presidential Search Committee announces “Hunky Hiram” as Next President of CMC

 
Alternate Headline: “Suck it, Forum.”

aww baby, I wanna build you a new gym
aww baby, I wanna build you a new gym

After months of deliberation, the CMC Board of Trustees took a break from shutting down companies and e-mailed the student body. Today they formally introduced Pamela Gann’s successor: former male model and homecoming king Hiram E. Chodosh.

“On the unanimous recommendation of the Presidential Search Committee, and scryed from the entrails of a sacrificed ewe, the Board has appointed the physical ideal of the male form, and champion beatboxer, Hiram E. Chodosh, as the fifth Holy Roman Emperor of Claremont McKenna College and successor to President Pamela Hussein Brooks Gann.”

Chodosh stood out from other finalists: Herman Cain, Collins’ Angry Omelet Man, Pamela Gann’s great-great-great-great-grandson, and the Lord Our Savior Jesus Christ.

Mmm, Sugarbear, I wanna improve your ranking on U.S. News and World Reports
Mmm, Sugarbear, I wanna improve your ranking on U.S. News and World Reports

Modeling Career
Hiram was discovered at age 14 in a flea market near his hometown of Grovizlof, Romania, by Elite Modeling Agency, and moved to New York to pursue a contract with Vogue. He was featured in several covers and spreads before his steamy centerfold project for Playgirl Magazine. The results, according to sources within the industry, “left me literally shaking.”

After his brief stint in professional male modeling, Hiram Chodosh (from now on possibly referred to as  “H-Cho”, somewhat sounding like a sneeze) journeyed into the world of learning, attending the University of Phoenix. When asked how his education shaped him, H-Cho said, “I type really good now.”

Family Life
H-Cho noted that the move from Utah to Claremont would certainly be an upheaval. He did note, however, that the Board of Trustees was very accommodating when it came to finding housing for his seven sister-wives (sister-former-students).

Commentary on CMC Issues
Upon hearing about CMC’s recent controversy over the party scene, H-Cho grinned and claimed he would do nothing to stop us from “party-rocking.” His rakish grin, however, caused three unsuspecting freshman girls to faint and smack their heads against the uneven squares around the Kube. H-Cho apologized to the three students for suspending their personal party-rocking until they could recover from their extensive head injuries. Sources indicate that he later offered any donors body shots off his rock hard abs. But only to the highest bidder, as a fundraiser. Let’s be real; Roberts didn’t give CMC that much money.

Sweetheart, I wanna make sure you're educated enough to handle a global playing field
Sweetheart, I wanna make sure you’re educated enough to handle a global playing field

Chodosh’s Purported CMC Improvements
The Board of Trustees expressed their appreciation of Chodosh’s recommendations for improving the college. “One of the most brilliant ideas he brought forward,” they said, “was to have build TIFTIFLOI – The Institute For Training Future Institutional Leaders In Other Institutes.” 

Golden Antlers analysts agree that Chodosh’s understanding of “meta leadership” will certainly make relations to students much easier. “So will his dimples,” attested local President-lover and attraction analyst Clancy Tripp ’15.

With his nomination, Chodosh also endowed a new sequence at CMC. The “Attraction and Sexiness Sequence” (ASS), will, according to Chodosh himself, “assist and enhance the studies of good-looking people.” And boy, does he know…

According to the e-mail, Chodosh was chosen for the position based on his proven ability to “make any position look unbelievably sexy.” His charming one-liners and twinkling eyes that seem to undress you from the inside out, unveiling all your hidden insecurities and guarded vulnerabilities while at the same time affirming your sensual womanhood, were also cited as key factors in the choice.

However, in the words of Chairman Harry T. McMahon, the fundamental reason for the pick was “dat ass.”

– Dante Toppo ‘15 CMC, David Leathers ‘15 CMC, Clancy Tripp ‘15 CMC

** The Campaign for Claremont McKenna will begin selling life-sized semi-nude posters of Chodosh from the CUC Connection store in the library to raise funds for dumbells for the new Roberts Pavilion. “We’re selling a poster of a gorgeous bod to fund the creation of more gorgeous bods,” noted Gann. “That’s what I call giving back. Back muscles.”

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