We know room draw gave you trust issues and crippling anxiety, but unfortunately it’s also time for your emotionally shattered self to choose next semester’s classes! What fun! You know your parents will pull you out of school, your significant other will dump you for being a failure at life, and you’ll never get the dream job behind a cubicle if you don’t make the right choice, but have no fear because The Golden Antlers has got your back. We decided that the oh-so-popular Rate My Professor website was lacking some essential rating criteria, so we blackmailed founder Patrick Nagle into giving the website a much-needed revamp. He obviously complied. So behold…Rate My Professor 2.0, the unfiltered version.
The makeover includes a grading system that will actually help you decide if you’ll need to sleep with your professor to get the A or if you might as well drop everything and run. (See Figure 1)
The site has also given complete control of commenting to it’s raters. That means no rules here, you anonymous trolls. Take a look at some insightful comments:
“Professor Bloemee is by far my favorite professor at Pomona. I’ve definitely taken advantage of his open door policy. We’ve gotten so close that he invites me over to his house when his wife is out of town for the weekend. I like to think that this is a luxury he offers to all of his students, but hey, I’m getting an A so who really cares if I’m just getting “special treatment.” I’ve got no complaints (or at least that’s what I tell my lawyer). Definitely a thumbs up!”
“I’m a philosophy major and math isn’t usually my thing, but I loved Professor’s Calhoon’s intro to stats class. He taught me how similar the two fields really are! I learned you can say whatever you want and defend it with references no one actually cares enough to check. I hope to use the complete lack of integrity I learned in this class to complete my entire Senior Thesis in under a week.”
“Taking Professor Ohphookmi’s freshman seminar was one of the WORST EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE. I didn’t understand a SINGLE thing the whole semester because of his thick accent…we’re in AMERICA learn to speak AMERICAN. I didn’t learn a single damn thing. I made the effort to go into his office on the daily…and at the end of the year he STILL didn’t know my name. It’s SCOTTIE, NOT THAD YOU DEGRADING PIECE OF STAG POOP. Don’t take this man. He is pure Evil.”
“I asked my History professor to be my reference for graduate school. I knew we hit it off right from our first interaction when I told him that the Revolutionary War really gets me turnt. Check this–he promised not to mention in my reference letter that he ran into me at Winston Churchill the other day while I was blackout and stark-naked. Now he’s da real MVP.”
In addition, some extra features on Rate My Professor 2.0 include:
- The ability to upload past tests, kept hidden under protected passwords that only students can access
- A concise list of the professor’s political opinions, so you can pretend you agree
- A list of professor phobias so you know precisely which species of rodent to release in order to miss class
- A section that lists the professor’s race so you can gauge to what extent they will remind you of your summers at Martha’s Vineyard. Options include: white, white with a tan, and Modern Languages professor.
- A (newly-copyrighted) set of RMP-approved hip internet acronyms including:
- LSHIPNMCR – Laughing So Hard I Puke On My Chaucer Reading
- MITL – Masturbating In The Library [can also include an optional “;)” or “OT4F” for On The 4th Floor]
- 8===D~$$$ – Getting A Hard-On Thinking of My Future Paycheck While Doing my Corp Fin Reading
- 8========D~$$$$$$ Getting A Hard-On Thinking of My Future Paycheck While Doing my CS Project [can also include an optional “;(“ for “but still alone”]
- Beta testing a “Can they Hang?” feature, scaling from 1 (will invite you to their house for class dinner and let you drink wine even though you are obviously a child) to 10 (will drop molly with you at Coachella Weekend 2).
So use the power of the internet wisely, our friends, and don’t get stuck taking Mr. Wrong.
Long live Rate My Professor.
– Kris Brackmann CMC ’16 & Frank Lyles PO ’17 with some comedic assistance from Clancy Tripp CMC ’15