Co-writing credit: Philip B.
Dear Everleiygh,
I just want to drink cranberry juice in the Hoch-Shanahan Dining Commons in peace, but every time I do someone says “oh I know that cookie good.” How do I drink cranberry juice without people thinking I’m fighting a UTI?
– Uninflamed Urethra
Dear Uninflamed Urethra,
Sometimes you just have to own your shit. This reminds me of the time in high school when I got boho knotless bust down box braids and everyone bullied me by saying it was “tasteless” and “culturally insensitive” and “I can’t get away with shit like this because I’m not as talented as Adele or Ariana Grande.” Did I let that stop me? No. I still had my kimono phase the next year. And this is just like that.
So what if it’s a little embarrassing that every single person in the dining hall definitely thinks you have a UTI and honestly probably a yeast infection too? Just own your shit, slut! And maybe stick to anal until your sitch clears up.
xoxo,
Everleiygh
Dear Everleiygh,
My roommates have been having daily dwerk-offs in our common room. Every day I come back from class praying for some peace and quiet so I can do my econometrics homework, but the moment I open the door I hear the telltale thump-thump-thump of gyrating dihhhh. I don’t want them to think I’m a prude but I need the dwerking to stop.
Sincerely,
Dweaked Out
Dear Dweaked Out,
(As an aside to my less-cultured readers: “dwerking” is twerking with your dick. Context clues, people!)
It’s simple. Just out-freak them. Dwerk harder, better, faster, stronger. They’re afraid of their latent bisexuality. As one of my favorite presidents used to say, “grab ’em by the pussy”. Or in this case, “grab ’em by the dick,” which is what he would say if he was gay. Men won’t talk to Title IX anyway. You can do anything.
xoxo,
Everleiygh
Dear Everleiygh,
I’ve been working on seducing my O-Chem professor as my last hope of getting a passing grade. Back in Idaho, I was a sex God (those potatoes couldn’t get enough of me), but I’m scared I may have bit off more than I can swallow. Sometimes it feels like everyone here is having sex literally all of the time. What if the professor thinks I’m subpar compared to the seasoned California baddies also trying to sleep with them for a grade? What should I do? How do I have A+ sex?
Signed,
I. justwannafuck
Dear I. justwannafuck,
I assure you not everyone here is having sex all the time. I mean I’m not and I’m like pretty, like really pretty so don’t be worried that you’re missing out just cause you’re an Idaho 7. As far as sex tips, here are my three tried-and-true favorites:
- Safety first! Pee before, during, and after sex.
- Some music can help set the vibe. Put on some Instagram reels of Mood Swings a cappella – or if you’re feeling freaky, 9th Street Hooligans.
- We’re not in Idaho anymore, Toto – here in California, we fuck citrus. Go to Malott and practice head on a grapefruit. Or a tangerine, if you like skinny girls like that. Or a pomelo, if you like your cooters massive.
Xoxo,
Everleiygh