Co-write: Annie B.
Have you ever heard of toxic masculinity? I am him. But when I’m in the loving embrace of a girl’s lap, it is like all my testosterone washes out of my testes and pools at the bottom of my feetses! Feeling like a soft little guy makes me realize I don’t have to be aggressive and that I am safe in the world.
Sometimes I get angry—as firey as a red fire truck, steamy hot like a fire, and angry like a big red fire. But when my cranium rests gently on a girl’s pillowy lap, I am not hot like a fire or angry and loud like a big red fire truck! I am just me :3
The second my head touches girl lap, our cycles sync—but instead of shedding uterine lining, I’m shedding serotonin! It’s not gross or weak; it’s subversive. When my head is on a girl lap I leak at the seams, not with goop, but with serene tranquility. I don’t even need a tampon like her—this happy juice is meant to be loose!
If I have been a very very good boy, sometimes she will run her hands through my hair and pat me on the back and say, “Goodboy! You have been such a good boy today!” There is no other sensation like this—it’s like if my mom was hot and not related to me.
How do I get to lay my cinder block on a girl lap? I become a situationship and give them forehead kisses. Girls love it when a situationship gives them forehead kisses! I give out smooches like candies on Halloween! They are the best way to “trick” a girl into giving you the sweetest “treat”— your pumpkin noggin on her lap! It’s like her thighs have lips for my whole face! I’m addicted! It’s heroin(e), straight to my brain!
I just feel so pampered and loved, as if all the world stopped to say, “you’re allowed to be a prissy soyboy boytoy. Heck, it’s ok if you’re a gayboy girlypuss!” And even though I am NOT a gayboy girlypuss (stop calling me that!!!), one thing is true—girl lap is for EVERYBODY!