It’s official – starting next year, Hiram Chodosh announced a new plan to double CMC’s yearly tuition to $120,000. In a recent press conference, Chodosh said: “If we, as an institution, aren’t squeezing every last dollar out of our students, then what does that say about us? That’s what we teach. The goal of the economy is to win. And if we aren’t winning, then why would our students ever listen to us? I wouldn’t listen to a loser.”
This is in an attempt to decrease CMC’s staggeringly high acceptance rate. Chodosh explains – “Right now, we’re like a… a… Louis Vuitton Neverfull.” Teary-eyed, Chodosh looked at the crowd, who was sobbing. “But after this change – we will be Birkins. Hopeful teenagers will be lining up, banging at our doors, screaming and begging to be let in. And will we let them in? NO.” Finishing his speech, Chodosh beamed as the crowd applauded for ten straight minutes of a standing ovation.
We asked one group of juniors using ChatGPT to do their Econometrics midterm to comment – “Big numbers are awesome. If a school is the most expensive, it clearly means it’s the best. I wouldn’t be surprised if we get millions, if not twos or threes of millions of applicants for next year. Why would you want to go anywhere else?”
Many CMC professors agree – one commented: “the thing is, we know the acceptance rate must decrease. If it doesn’t, the world will stop. Economics is fact. Math is money. In fact, we need to stop with our stupid “tuition inflation rate control” bullshit. Bump it up! If our tuition isn’t $400,000 in 10 years, then we are doing something wrong.”
There will also be major changes coming to the campus starting next year. Taking influence from Nobu, Collins will now be charging $90 a plate. New platinum Student IDs will be offered for a staggering $400 a card (still not swipeable). Parking Permits will be put on the blockchain. “If the students have money to spend, then we have money to earn. We shouldn’t have a single student graduating who isn’t in the red. This should attract generations of students to our institution.”