Co-writer: Daniel K.
Golden Antlers analysts visited the scene of Harvey Mudd’s landmark Starbucks protest at 2:30 yesterday. Reported amongst the crowd was Raytheon Ethics Representative, D’rone Stryke.
“At Raytheon, our utmost priority is to maintain a high level of moral standards.” Stryke said. “We are appalled by the recent transgressions committed in Gaza and refuse to support anyone else’s actions that fuel the violence.”
Accompanying h
im was the Lockheed Martin Ethics Representative, who is just an F-35 fighter jet. The plane landed on the lawn in front of Jay’s Place sporting crudely drawn, nearly illegible messages of solidarity. On one side of the plane, a banner reads “Si se puede,” and on the other side, another, even bigger banner, reads “Violence Bad 🙁 ”.
We reached out to Mr. Stryke for additional comments: “We are just super relieved that no one is mad at us for making bombs. Student activism is a beautiful thing, and everyone who deserves criticism and boycotting should get their due, except for us.”
Mr. Stryke’s go-to morning pick-me-up is a quad long shot venti caramel macchiato pinkity drinkity with 2 pumps of hazelnut substitute, 3 pumps of mocha syrup, and 5 shots of espresso. And a cute unicorn cake pop. We didn’t ask him for this information, but he seemed really excited to share. “All that caffeine and sugar really helps me get through the day – I don’t sleep very well at night because of the screaming.”
“To really show how committed we are to anti-violence, from now on we will only be serving Peet’s Coffee for our clinic teams. ‘Peace Lattes’ for everyone!”
This post is sponsored by Lockheed Martin and Raytheon. Fight for a free future.
