Animal rights groups across the country are taking up arms against the treatment of one Mr. Bananas the Chimpanzee. Mr. Bananas is the subject of what is being called “the most deliberately cruel experiment ever conducted on a sentient creature.” Not inhumane, but too humane.
Every day, researchers observe the ape completing busywork while simultaneously trying to sell his personality and achievements as if he were a brand. One critic noted, “apes are meant to monkey around in the jungle, not rewrite resumes on job application forms.” Another said, with a wearily pretentious glint in their eye, “Mr. Bananas has been infected with aspiration.”
Yes, what started as making simple LinkedIn posts for small pieces of fruit became an unquenchable thirst to fill an ever-expanding hole through external validation.
The research team claims that low self-esteem and burnout are simply natural developments in their experiment. Regular steps in the process of seeing if the chimp can learn how to “make something of himself.” Activists refute this notion, arguing Mr. Bananas is incapable of pulling himself up by his bootstraps, as he doesn’t have boots and his feet are his hands.
Concern started to grow when Mr. Bananas’ cover letters took a turn.
Behold, his haunting simian laments:
