The LAPD pulled over Cecil the Sagehen yet again for unsafe driving this week. At 12:03 AM, officers received a distress call from a woman “There’s this bird and he seems drunk. He’s in a white Ford Bronco with a pride flag on the windshield.”
Officers pulled Cecil over on the Pacific Coast Highway near the Santa Monica pier. When they took Cecil’s BAC, they were astonished. Said an officer, “it’s the highest Blood Alcohol Content we’ve ever seen in a non-binary, flightless bird.”
This DUI, like every other DUI, has not deterred Cecil from engaging in unsafe driving practices. Said the bird, “Let’s be real. I’m literally a guy in a suit. I can’t see out of these mesh eye holes anyway. These wings don’t really lend themselves to 10-and-2. The big orange bird foot thing that goes over my shoe presses the gas and the brakes at the same time. Frankly, you should be asking who gave me the car in the first place.”
Cecil has a history of driving under the influence. In 2023, the bird purposefully started a fire on the 10 Freeway after drinking a bottle of Fireball. “I was heading to Sea World,” said Cecil in a statement. “Sue me.”
The city of Los Angeles is suing Cecil for $21 million for the latest incident. Pomona College will be covering the costs. Said Gabi Starr, “We as an institution are known for investing our money in ethical things. This situation is no different.”