Dear Pomona College Fuckwits,
The fall semester is almost over, and I want to congratulate each and every administrator for not getting in trouble yet. From no protests (yet 😌) to the really tame Walker Wall, we have done an excellent job at hiding away in our offices. In the President’s Office alone, there are 50 of our deans, packed like sardines! Let me tell you about Charlie Kirk now.
Charlie Kirk was a great guy. I am proud of the 5C Democrats and 5C Republicans for pretending they had no idea what Charlie said, ever.
In America, we vote on things. We do not use violence. If someone sticks their neck out, no matter how far, you do nothing. Even if they said, “in this country, some people need to die by guillotine in order for other people to be happy.”
Thank you, the Republican Party. You and the other one are setting a good example. No President has ever encouraged the use of violence to get what they want, or used the police to solve free speech problems. I don’t intend to start, nor should anyone else.
Two weeks ago, I was in Washington D.C. Haha, nice try! Nope, nope, nope! You are NOT going to get me to talk about the National Guard taking over their police force! I was there with other college presidents to talk about how great everything is going right now. All the Pomonas-of-the-East are doing very well.
It was crazy. Each and every college president, except Harvard (the Scripps-of-the-East) wouldn’t change a thing! Today, and every day, is like a beautiful rainbow. God’s rainbow, promised to Noah after the flood, not the sinful one.
[DO NOT PRINT, REVIEW: is that overselling it? Will the Dep. of Ed even read this?]
If you need to talk, my stunt double is always available. Several people noticed that I was never on campus, so the Board hired someone to nod their head and cry sometimes.
This is exciting news for Pomona College. It means I get to focus on more important things — emails, shirking, and chilling at my new college-funded house! That’s right, I actually don’t live at the President’s House anymore! Ask our real estate office for details!
With best wishes,
Gabi