Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever needed a way to pay your friends back other than PayPal, Google Wallet, Venmo, Square, checks, wire transfer, Bitcoin, Dogecoin, sexual favors, or even cold hard cash? Have you ever loved the idea of combining temporary and quickly disappearing things with your bank account? Look no further bitches: Snapcash.
College students across the country are lauding the innovation behind the latest innovative feature implemented in their generation’s favorite vanishing pastime. “Now when I send perfectly modest pictures of myself over Snapchat,” said Pomona senior, Bon Rugundy, “I can add a little somethin’ somethin’.” Somethin’ somethin’ indeed.
Our hands-on investigation into the new service has revealed that you “make it rain” on your friends when you Snapcash them by throwing virtual dollar bills onto them. “I think these sorts of interactive features are a step in the right direction,” debated snap enthusiast Steve Rove (PZ ‘17), “They really help me visualize the importance of my money as I literally throw it down the drain on cheap liquor and bad decisions.”
Local students have also lauded Snapcash’s ability to turn enterprising young people into hardened prostitutes. Said one student, “nothing makes women feel better about receiving blurry, poorly-lit pictures of my genetalia quite like twenty dollars.”
In an exclusive report leaked to the Golden Antlers, Snapchat CEO, Evan Spiegel, stated the new direction was an attempt to respond to recent criticism over sexism in the tech industry and in his personal life. “I’m not sexist,” claimed Mr. Spiegel, “It’s just that women don’t come to Sake Bombs and Sluts bro night which is where we make important company decisions, that’s all.”
“When I think Snapchat, I think trust. I think integrity. I think reliable,” said Claremont McKenna Freshman, Danny Palker, “That’s why I trust them with my money. Heck, if they asked, I would give them my social security number and all of my dick pics.” The sentiments expressed by Mr. Palker are universal. Snapchat, over its less than a third of a decade lifespan, has built its reputation on security. The naysayers will argue that Snapchat leaked literally 2,000,000 million snaps, phone numbers and usernames last month. (Thanks, Obama.) Yes, they did, but don’t let the man tell you what’s secure and what’s not with your money.
Users have celebrated this new release with comments like “Now I can snap a picture of all my cocaine and pay for it too!” and “Now I don’t have to tell my dad where my life savings is going” In our incredibly fast moving world, what will Snapchat come up with next? What else will you be able to send and have vanish quickly? Your dignity.
– Jacksón Smith CMC ’18