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CMC Senior Writes 200 Page Thesis

Chad Jones, a CMC senior, broke history today when he wrote a 200-page senior thesis.“I just had so much to say, you know?” Jones said. As a Government and Economics dual major with a finance sequence, Jones wrote his thesis on the Obama Administration’s fiscal policy during Obama’s first 100 days in office. In the first 30 pages of his thesis, Jones gives a recap of American history from World War I to present day.
Then he spends time defining a democratic republic. His next 40 pages focus on an intensive history of Obama’s life, finding that Obama, indeed, was born in Africa. “Donald Trump’s archives had a lot of material on this matter,” Jones remarked. “It was really helpful.”
suck it, reader!
suck it, reader!

Finally, Jones set the stage for the 2008 election in the next 30 pages of his thesis, highlighting campaign tactics and the important use of media in the election. “I got to spend a lot of time on Facebook writing this section,” Jones said. “It was awesome.”

It wasn’t until page 150 that Jones started to discuss the fiscal policy of the Obama Administration. “I just wanted to be as thorough as possible, you know? Besides, everyone knows that length is the most important aspect.”

Other seniors have used similar tactics to lengthen their theses. Senior Alison Walker changed the font size of her periods to 14. “It’s barely noticeable, and it adds a few pages,” she claimed.

Ryan Duncan used Times for his font instead of Times New Roman. “They look pretty identical,” Duncan remarked, “but Times adds a few pages. Plus, my professor is pretty senile, so he won’t know the difference.”

Here's to carpal tunnel!
Here’s to carpal tunnel!

Other students took to writing lengthy acknowledgements sections and included them in their page count. “I never really believed in God, but I figured I should include three pages thanking Her for everything,” Gender Studies major Lauren Rose said.

As a result of thesis writing, nothing has changed in the computer labs, as they remain just as full as usual. A brawl did break out in Poppa yesterday when a freshman would not give up her computer for a senior writing thesis. “It’s time someone stood up to this injustice,” the freshman, who wishes to remain anonymous, said. Tomorrow the freshmen are organizing a boycott of all computer labs in protest of the rule.

“I always used my lab priority,” Jones said, “that’s how I was able to write so much. In fact, I included a page on ‘senior thesis lab priority’ in my thesis acknowledgements.”

When asked how his reader would respond to reading a 200 page thesis, Jones replied: “What reader?”

– Ariel Katz ’13 CMC


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