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    5Cs Unveil Spring COVID-19 Prevention Plans

     

     The 5Cs have unveiled their plans for the Spring 2021 semester due to mounting pressure from students and parents and the idea of losing any more money during the COVID-19 pandemic.  Pitzer College plans to have students sleep out on the Mounds in hammocks spaced six feet apart so as to maintain social distancing. “Pitzer […] More

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    The Loaning Tree

     

     Once there was a tree. And she loved a little boy (which really should have been the first red flag). And every day the boy would come and he would gather her leaves. And make them into crowns and play king of the forest.  He would climb up her trunk and swing from her branches […] More

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    CMC Announces Plan to Exclusively Hydrate Walkways by 2022

     

     Sidewalks? More like Tidewalks! Sure, it was cool when Jesus walked on water; but now you can too. After a series of failed sustainability commitments, Claremont McKenna College has finally decided to put its money where its feet are. After California’s record drought in the past decade, CMC’s administration has been forced to think long […] More

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    Hunter Biden Joins ASCMC

     

     Claremont, Calif.–This morning, President Hiram Chodosh called a Press Conference to announce an exciting development within ASCMC. Former Vice-President and current Presidential nominee Joe Biden’s son, Hunter, has officially accepted a role on ASCMC. Hunter has extensive experience performing roles he is vastly underqualified for and says that he is “excited to join the team […] More

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    CMC Writing Center Now Offering Consultations for Tinder Bios & “U Up?” Texts

     

     CMC’s Writing Center recently expanded its services to include consultations and workshops for drafting Tinder bios and effective “U up?” messages. Since implementing this new service, the Writing Center has seen a 312% increase in student engagement. Mark Longo, CMC ‘21, came back to campus this year with a vengeance. After a long summer of […] More

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    CMC Removed from Niche College Ranking after Sending Bribe to be Higher Ranked on Top Party Schools List

     

     Scripps College recently lost its spot on the U.S. News & World Report 2019 best colleges list after it misreported data. But Scripps isn’t the only Claremont College in trouble for attempting to improve their ranking score. CMC recently lost its’ spot on Niche’s college ranking for Top Party Schools after trying to bribe Niche […] More

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    Why Can’t I Fuck in the Bouncy House at Pirate Party?

     

     Pirate Party is a sacred ceremony. A celebration of joy, established in 1348 when Claremont Men’s College was a mere infant of two years, Pirate Party holds eternal sanctity that we must all take full advantage of and bask in. Originally founded as a way to honor CMC’s primary funder and the original flex daddy […] More

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    CMC Announces Plans to Fuck the Black Hole

     

     In a press release on Monday, President Chodosh outlined the mission statement for the new and improved independent Claremont McKenna Science Department. Chodosh explained, “Our first and foremost priority is to provide an enriching education for our students that prepares them for successful careers in the STEM field. Right after that though is definitely fucking […] More

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    Administration Releases New Hunting Guidelines for 2019 Prospie Season

     

     This morning at 8 AM, the Dean of Students office at Claremont McKenna College released the 2019 rules and guidelines for this upcoming Open Prospie Season. This weekend marks the annual Prospectostudentante migration, a weekend long period where more than 500 Prospectostudentantes will trek through the consortium, grazing upon the natural resources of the land […] More

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