in , , , , , , , ,

The Inside Scoop on T-Swift’s Performance

Dean Huang: If you could be any animal, what would you choose? TSwift: Oh, that's easy, a cougar!
So you want me to do a concert…for free?

Claremont students were lucky enough to host singer, songwriter, superstar Taylor Swift on Monday night after Harvey Mudd College won an online contest which they definitely did not hack. As part of her VH1 Storytellers show, Swift opened up and gave us all the juicy details behind many of her smash hits and even previewed tracks on her new album, Red (named after her least favorite traffic light). The show earned high praise by students and teachers alike. One Harvey Mudd student remarked, “I would have liked to see more math but you know overall pretty…..” Unfortunately a zombie attack prevented him from finishing his statement.
We know that only a lucky few students were able to attend the show and so we decided to summarize some of Swift’s more telling stories here for you!

1. “State Of Grace” – A brand new track of her upcoming album, Red, State Of Grace details Taylor’s latest breakup which she says, “Actually went quite well.” While the song only lasts about 45 seconds, it is a true tearjerker and gets quite emotional when Swift belts out, “I am not even a little bit upset! We should totally still be friends.”

2. “Dear John” – Rumors about the identity of the mysterious John have been circulating for years, with everyone from John Elway, John The Baptist, John Lennon, and even John Mayer being on the list. As is usual though, The Golden Antlers has had the inside scoop for a while and none of us were remotely surprised when Swift revealed that the angry breakup ballad was written to Jabba The Hutt impersonator, and ex football player, John Madden.
The whole auditorium shed a collective tear when Taylor revealed that the lines, “Don’t you think nineteen’s too young to be played with your dark twisted games when I loved you so,” actually referred to Madden making her play his hit football video game for upwards of 12 hours a day while he continuously asked her whose name was on the cover.

3. “Jump Then Fall” – In Swifts own words, “People really read into this song, but in reality it is actually extremely literal. I jumped and then proceeded to fall. I hit the concrete pretty hard. I mean this was the real deal, bloody lip, broken headgear, concussion, and then boom, number one single!”

4. “22” – Another track off of Tay Tay’s new album, this one deals with her current relationship with 18 year old high school student, Conor Kennedy. Taylor noted that she has a long career as a cougar ahead of her, and that Kennedy is doing great in his SAT preparations. If he get’s a C or better on his Algebra 1 final, Conor has even promised to take Taylor on a flight in the family’s private jet, Lucky Number 7.

Dean Huang: If you could be any animal, what would you choose?
TSwift: Oh, that’s easy, a cougar!

5. “Should’ve Said No” – At this point Taylor started crying and left the stage. A group of well-intentioned Scripps girls took action and offered Taylor one of their best whistles. Taylor politely declined the whistle and went on a 10-minute rant blasting the hypocrisy of women’s college’s in higher education. “What do you mean, ‘preparing for the real world’? There are dudes in the real world!” Needless to say, 200 seats were then open for the taking!

6. “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” – This smash hit has been all over the radio the last few weeks and Claremont students were the first to hear its true meaning. Apparently Tswizzle attended Harvey Mudd’s Foam Party and after a hitchhike of shame back to her Malibu crib, wrote this track about her own dignity. Swift furthered, “I woke up dazed and confused in Stark Hall wearing nothing but a top hat and a Green Beach Lifestyle Tank. Some guy who referred to himself in the third person as “intuition” kept playing really loud, off tempo beats and looking at my legs with disappointment ”

7. “You Belong With Me” – While Taylor did not say much about this track, those in the front row claim to have felt physical sparks flying between Taylor and Dean Huang. This romance has been suspected ever since 2007 when Taylor(after an impressive 3 hour interview with the dean) was rejected from CMC for not displaying enough “leadership qualities,” and for writing her advise a leader essay to Kanye West.

Coming Soon: Childish Gambino

– Ender Wiggin ’15 CMC


Leave a Reply



Taylor Swift: The Next Libya

Unsuccessful CMC Pickup Lines